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Mind Mates: More Thoughts on Romance

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I’ve written in the past about my thoughts on romance in literature, but as I’ve been making more progress on the rewrite of my young adult romance novel, I’ve had a few more insights into what makes a good romance.

In popular romance, the soul mate is the one person who can offer a character complete fulfillment and happiness. Frankly, that makes me want to puke. Therefore, I would like to propose the replacement of this trope with something far superior— the mind mate.

I abhor romances that are all fluff and lack substance. This is especially evident in elemental romance but can also be seen in romance as a genre. The romance overflows with butterflies and weak knees, but all of that comes across as contrived when the leads are lacking a deep connection. I would much rather read about the mutual exploration of two minds than the magnetism of a new crush.

Intellectual stimulation is rarely featured in popular romance, which is a shame because intellectual stimulation is incredibly stimulating. However, even if the characters aren’t intellectual, they can still participate in mind mating. They can doubt and inspire one another and learn and reflect together. Such connections not only deepen their relationship but also enhance the likeability and realism of each individual character. A romance based on a shallow character connection is not interesting, and likewise, a character that cannot connect with other characters is not interesting.

In my young adult novel, the romantic leads’ cognitive functions cause conflict between them. Rationality drives Marty’s actions whereas harmony drives Jordan’s, and they must both learn to harness their strengths while developing their weaknesses, but the fun (conflict) is in that journey. My characters don’t drool over each other or even touch one another, but they still manage to have romance and, dare I say it, an extraordinary romance, due to the mating of their minds.

In conclusion, real romance requires the syndication and resultant strengthening of two minds in the face of highly discordant cognitive functions, biases, and thought patterns. *Insert heart pounding*

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Being Spoon-Fed Opinions by Media Rather Than Developing Own Convictions Deemed Bedrock of American Virtue

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Once upon a time, American virtues used to include liberty, justice, and honor, but, as Bob Dylan sang: the times are a-changin’. Being spoon-fed opinions by media has recently been deemed the bedrock of American virtue. According to a revealing new study, four out of five Americans don’t like to come to their own conclusions about current issues. Like the person who would rather retweet than tweet, the typical American lacks the capacity for innovative thinking.

“Between having strong convictions about the design of Starbucks cups, the abomination known as Windows 10, and whether I heard Yanny or Laurel, who has had energy this year to invest time in the critical thinking required to understand societal issues?” bemoaned Raven Watson. “I’m sorry, but there are way more important things to think about.”

“I believe strongly in potatoes,” declared Katrina Keeley. “You can eat them so many different ways. I have strong convictions about potatoes and the way they ought to be prepared. But when it comes to an issue like abortion, my mind just goes blank. I have zero opinions.”

“When it comes to something like chairs, I can tell you my opinion about them,” stated Victoria Onessa. “I LOVE chairs and really believe in them. I believe in their greatness. I believe in everything they stand for! Comfort, luxury, stability. And yet—truth be told, I could care less about refugees or religious liberty. Even just thinking about thinking about those things hurts my brain.”

For those who find being spoon-fed information to be too mentally taxing, some social media gurus suggest that they will begin offering straws for those who would rather slurp their opinions.

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Customer Service Representatives are People, too, Study Indicates

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At long last, compelling new research has debunked the age-old belief that customer service representatives are a non-human species. While the research has been well-received by many, some refuse to believe that it is conclusive.

Such is the belief of long-time shopper and cynic Victor Harkley, who asserts that customer service representatives are robots. “This wonky research has me unconvinced. As far as I’m concerned, nothing is changing in the way I treat those customer service robos, which is with utter disrespect, not to mention blatant animosity.”

Sociologist Katherine Everton, who spearheaded the study, maintains that it was conducted with the utmost integrity. “We surveyed thousands of customer service reps at hundreds of different companies, asking them questions to determine if they had were, as once believed, soulless robots. We questioned them about the matters that have throughout history most tugged at the heartstrings of human beings, including how broken up they were over Brangelina’s split or the discovery that Pluto was not a planet. To further quantify their empathy, we brought a randomized cohort into the lab and tracked their brain activity as they viewed images of other heartbreaking happenings, such as the introduction of this year’s new Starbucks holiday cup or the invention of Windows 10. What we found amazed us. It turned out that these customer service reps actually felt something in response.”

A customer service representative for a high-end nourishment corporation, Ashley Flannery, was moved when she read the results of the study. “I feel… stuff. Oh, and would you like fries with that?”

 

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A Feeling Unlike Any Other

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So, I had this little problem a few months ago. Basically, I realized that I wanted the primary theme of my book to be something other than what it was [insert face palm]. Unfortunately, that realization is necessitating months upon months of rewriting my manuscript. As I mentioned in a previous post, I was hoping to have my book ready to send to an editor by the end of this year, but there’s no way that’s going to happen anymore.

Truth is, I don’t really even mind that much. I had been really ambitious about my manuscript last spring and summer, but since then, I’ve been able to calm that ambition, which, honestly, has been for the best. While I like that I’m an ambitious person, I also dislike it sometimes. I got so caught up in accomplishing everything I wanted to with my writing that it made me very stressed and a little crazy. It’s been refreshing to put my writing in its proper place. As much as my soul yearns to share my work with others, I know that isn’t essential to my life; there are more important things in life (i.e. God, relationships.)

Also, I am much happier now that I’ve taken a new angle on my story, so it’s worth it to me that it’s taking longer to finish than I had intended. Honestly, ‘taking a new angle on my story’ probably isn’t strong enough language to describe the changes that I’m making. I am revamping the entire thing. For starters, the book is no longer for the Christian market but for the general market. It does, however, have Christian themes. While the inner journey of the main character hasn’t changed a whole lot, the plot has. It is much more intriguing and powerful than it was. It’s also a bit of a mystery now. The new plot really makes the theme resonate much more loudly than the old one did. My book was originally about the soul’s journey to becoming less self-absorbed and more selfless, which, while still thematically present in my book, no longer serves as the primary theme. The primary theme is the contrast between love as an action and love as a feeling and how both must be expressed if one wants to love virtuously.

Another big change is the character of the protagonist’s love interest. Originally, he was a gentle, quiet, deep-thinker, but now he is a snarky, neurotic, quiet, deep-thinker. I didn’t make the change because I enjoy writing snarky characters, although I do. I made it because it enhances the theme. While my protagonist embodies love as a feeling, he embodies love as an action. Although he is aloof and insensitive, he has a servant heart. My protagonist, on the other hand, feels great empathy and love for people but is selfish in her actions towards them. My protagonist and love interest’s different views of love are interesting and attractive to each other yet they are a big source of conflict. I also had to change the interest level of the love interest. I am a sucker for a second-chance romance (i.e. The Notebook), and that was what I had planned for my novel, but that no longer made sense once my theme changed. The love interest originally was crazy for my protagonist, but now she spends a lot of the book guessing whether or not he likes her. I also had to change his sense of humor. I naturally tend to give the main characters my own sense of humor, but I think it’s important to make the humor of the protagonist and love interest slightly different. Obviously, they both have to have a similar sense of humor for there to be chemistry, but they can’t be the exact same. Basically, I had to put a little extra effort into giving the love interest a snarkier, darker sense of humor than I’d normally give a love interest. And I’m not going to lie—that has been incredibly fun for me.

In other news, Splickety Publishing included my short story, A Very Bad Girl, in their Halloween issue of Havok Magazine. It was very exciting for me to be published because I had never been paid for my writing before. It felt so special to receive compensation for my creativity. When you get paid for your art, it affirms that your art has value. I’m not saying that art doesn’t have value if it’s not shared because I believe it does. However, when you get paid for your art, it makes you feel like your art has value to society, and to an artist, that is a feeling unlike any other.

If you’re interested in getting a copy of the magazine, you can purchase it here.

 

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Failure to Laugh at Puns Becomes PUNishable by Law

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Social justice has finally been realized. Today, in a landmark victory for lovers of wordplay, Congress passed a law that makes pun enjoyment neglect a federal offjest.

“While I know there’s a special place in hell reserved for people who despise puns,” Senator Barb Corkley said, “It’s comforting to know that those criminals will be quipped into shape during their time here on earth.”

“Putting people in the punitentiary for this offense will make our society more fruitful. I’ve guava feeling our economy will flourish due to the increased creativity cultivated by wordplay. Trust me, this will be apearant within a couple of years,” opined Congressman Brandon Renaud.

“Since the legislation has passed, my insomnia has all but cured,” said Wanda Winkler. “I used to be a major chicken, losing sleep every night, fearful about my children’s future. But now I know that my kids will be safe because those senseless thugs won’t be able to get away with any fowl play anymore.

Rumor has it that a band of groan men are starting a grassroots campaign to obtain the same protections for the appreciation of dad jokes. With today’s victory under their belt, they are confident that they won’t get loopy in the face of the current charged political environment.

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Unhappiness, Obsession, and Strength

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I feel like I constantly have to relearn the lesson that trying hard to make myself happy makes me extremely unhappy. I have always been an ambitious, goal-oriented type of person—not the type who likes to wait around. Basically, I like to make things happen. I like checking them off my checklist or deleting them from my calendar. There are many things I desire from life, and although I have been trying to do a better job of not being so selfish with my time, I’ve realized that I need to go a step further. I need to transform my mind. I hope to do so by reducing the amount of mental energy I spend obsessing over getting everything I want from life.

I truly believe that I need to wage a war on my mind. While having a thought in itself isn’t necessary sinful, I believe obsessing can be. And while none of my desires in of themselves are bad (i.e. getting my book published), putting too much hope in the happiness I will get from obtaining them is. It makes me self-centered and anxious, both of which make it impossible to pursue God and His righteousness single-mindedly. And that is what I truly desire more than anything; the only problem is that my lesser desires get in the way of this.

I don’t know about you guys, but I really want to be strong. Not physically strong but virtuously strong. I want godly virtues to be so prominent in my mind that whenever I encounter a stressor—i.e. sleep-deprivation, worry, or loneliness—I automatically react to the stressor in a virtuous manner. Virtue won’t have to be yanked out of me but rather will arise naturally from within. I wholeheartedly believe that anchoring too much of one’s happiness to something of this world counteracts this aptitude. You can’t be strong when the thing that’s grounding you is anything other than God because only God is everlasting.

Unless you cultivate a mind focused on the pursuit of virtue, your actions won’t be virtuous. You cannot expect to think one way and act a different way. You can’t focus on ungodly things and expect your actions to be godly. That’s just not how it works. So, my friends, let’s join together in focusing on the good.


Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

 

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Woman Inspired to Pursue Romantic Relationship with Pizza after Watching Twilight Movie Series

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Mesmerized by the will-he-or-won’t-he-eat-me dynamic of the Twilight movies series, Lucy Rhinelander, a woman ahead of her time, has entered into a romantic relationship with a deep-dish, three-meat pizza.

“There was just something so delicious about Edward and Bella’s relationship,” Lucy stated in a recent interview, “That I wanted to see if I could replicate it in my own love life.”

Lucy admits to being tempted to eat her beloved but maintains that the trials of their unconventional romance have strengthened their love. “Every time I want to eat him, I think about how much I love him, and it helps me fight off my craving. I reckon few people think about how much they love their partner as much as I do,” she bragged.

Her ex-boyfriend, Calum, had some saucy remarks about Lucy’s new relationship. “It’s so hard in the dating world. Women are pickier than ever these days. It was hard enough when I had to compete with the pun-spewing, sensitive hipster type that all women seem to be into these days. But now I have to compete with pizza? COME ON. I don’t stand even stand a chance!”

“Let’s be real, guys. Shakespeare’s Sonnet 113 is definitely about pizza,” Lucy said. “There’s no way he could write something so extraordinarily romantic without the inspiration that only the sublime combination of sauce, bread, cheese, and meat can deliver.”

 

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Quirkiness, Dry Humor, and the Lovable Rogue

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In my last post, I said that I especially enjoy writing romantic chemistry between my characters. I’d like to elaborate on what I think makes good chemistry. Last week, I finished listening to the audiobook version of To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. While I loved this book for many reasons, the chemistry between the two main characters, Peter and Lara Jean, really catapulted it towards the top of my list of favorite young adult books. (Side note: When I was a teenager, I used to read books like Wuthering Heights and Far From the Madding Crowd for fun, but now that I’m an adult, I read books for teens. Ironic, no?)

Here is my secret for writing good romantic chemistry:

Make one character regularly say or do ridiculous things and make the other character regularly respond with eye-rolling to these things while secretly enjoying them.

You see this kind of chemistry everywhere. One character is the manic pixie dream girl/guy and the other character is the sour puss with the dry sense of humor. Think Luke and Lorelai from Gilmore Girls. Their chemistry works so well because she is sweet and quirky, and he always responds with dry remarks, but we all know deep down that he adores Lorelai’s quirkiness. There’s something so lovable about that type of chemistry. We want to see the quirky, cute one melt the “heart of stone” of the sarcastic, cynical one. Usually, the male is the dry one and the female is the quirky one, but it can be the other way around. For example, in The Big Bang Theory, Leonard is the lovable nerd while Penny responds to him with sarcasm.

In To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, Peter tends to have a flirty, ridiculous sense of humor that Lara Jean pretends to be annoyed by, although the reader knows she secretly enjoys it. Because romances are usually marketed toward women, getting the male lead right is often more important than getting the female lead right. While women want a female lead who is kind, relatable, and funny, we read the book or watch the show for the romance and chemistry generated by the male lead. So, it is important to make him fascinating.

The most popular trope for a fascinating love interest is the lovable rogue. Think Han Solo. Or Mr. Darcy. The lovable rogue defies social conventions, speaks his mind, and thinks more highly of himself than he ought. As much as I hate to say it, it helps to write a bad boy. But the bad boy has to actually be a good guy—we just don’t know that until we get to know him more, usually towards the end of the story. Over time, it must become apparent that he has qualities that cause the reader/watcher to feel empathy towards him. Peter definitely falls in this category. He is an arrogant, popular high school jock; everyone loves him and he milks it. Yet, as the story progresses, we learn that he has a sensitive side—that he is extremely loyal—and that there is more to him than meets the eye. This is a powerful theme in general for a novel because it is so true in real life. We often judge people and overlook them rather than take the time to get to know them and learn who they really are.

As important as it is to create romantic chemistry between characters, it’s also important to create non-romantic chemistry. For example, in Warbreaker by Brandon Sanderson, Lightsong fulfills the lovable rogue trope. While there is romantic chemistry between him and Blushweaver, who perpetually rolls her eyes at him, there is also platonic chemistry between Lightsong and his priest, Larimar. Lightsong speaks his mind and whines a lot while Larimar is perpetually patient towards him. Lightsong tries to provoke Larimar, but he rarely can. Every now and then, Larimar reacts, albeit just a tad, to something Lightsong says or does, and the chemistry between them is beyond precious.

 

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Passion, Sacrifice, and Banter

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I’ve been thinking about romance a lot lately. One of my friends and I had a conversation about it a few months ago, and she was telling me that she dislikes a lot of romance in the books she reads. Also, my pastor has recently talked about how problematic the portrayal of romance in our media is. It has really gotten me thinking because I’ve always loved romance stories. I have read articles before about how too many romantic novels can be bad for the soul. I would say I agree with that. Usually, too much of anything is bad. Also, I really think it depends on the type of romance that you read/consume. I like to read romance that is cute, not erotic, that has substance, and isn’t cheesy.

As a matter of fact, the young adult romance book that I wrote five years ago, which I am currently reworking, talks quite a bit about how being obsessed with romance can be destructive. The protagonist’s obsession with romance makes her incredibly self-absorbed and causes her to make poor decisions.

I think the main issue with romance stories is that they can be self-indulgent. They feature a whirlwind of passion but often lack meaningful connection. I liked something that my pastor said recently about romance. To paraphrase, he said that the passionate, early stage of romance isn’t real romance. Real romance is drawing close to one another again and again over many years. I really liked that. The concept of fighting for intimacy in the face of difficulties, despite the costs, year after year—that sounds incredibly romantic to me. It’s the sacrifice that’s involved that really gets my heart racing. And I think that type of romance is good because it reflects God’s sacrifice and persistence in loving us.

As far as writing goes—I really enjoy writing romantic chemistry. I love putting my protagonist and love interest in opposition with each other. But most of all, I love writing the banter. I love making my characters argue with each other, surprise each other, and bond over inside jokes. The sillier, the better. If I had to give up writing action scenes, I’d be fine. But give up banter? No way!

I think romance storylines can be beautiful when done correctly, but it is good to remember that they are just that. Stories. And stories can never compare to real-life love.

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Pride and Prejudice, the Enneagram, and Sad Stuff

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Some people would call me a hopeless romantic, but I dislike that term. By definition, a romantic is full of hope and, therefore, I think “hopeless romantic” is an oxymoron.

At any rate, I love romance.

I’ll never forget the time I fell in love with Pride and Prejudice (circa 2005). I think that kicked off my love of romance. I was 14. I remember beginning the 4 hour BBC version with my grandma and sister one night. We watched the first half, and I was enthralled. I loved the costumes, the archaic language, and, of course, the romance. I remember waking up the next day, feeling like I was exploring a new world, excited to finish the movie.

Soon after, we watched the 2005 version. I am not the kind of person who often re-watches movies, but I watched that movie over and over again. I was SO obsessed. I remember regularly checking the movie’s message board on IMDB to see what people were talking about. The world of Jane Austen became an escape for me—a preferable reality. I remember walking the halls of my high school dressed in this white, lacy, shirt with a blue ribbon that looked like it could’ve been the bodice of a Regency-era dress, imagining the people I saw in the hall dressed in Regency attire. I would carry a Jane Austen book (I think I was reading Emma at the time) in my arms—as a source of comfort as well as pride—rather than in my backpack even though there was plenty of room inside. (Side note: The 2005 version of P&P is, in my opinion, one of the funniest movies ever. It makes me laugh SO much.)

I recently took the Enneagram personality quiz and, of course, I tested as a four, which is called “the romantic,” “the intense creative,” or “the individualist.” The four described me very well. Let me list the hallmarks of a four that I felt I could especially relate to:

-being deeply appreciative of beauty, art, and nature

-having a strong imagination, given to daydreaming

-finding purpose in creativity, needing to express myself in an artistic way

-being emotional/feeling things deeply

-wanting to dress in an artistic, idiosyncratic way

-being sensitive

-possessing a strong sense of empathy for others in their pain

-enjoys listening to music as a way to intensify emotions

-wanting to be unique/quirky AKA a special snowflake

-being attracted to sad stories, movies, and songs

-feeling misunderstood

-having envy as a flaw

So, now you can understand why I was obsessed with Pride and Prejudice to the point of daydreaming about it. It’s funny, but I feel like my greatest strengths are also my greatest flaws. I love that I feel things deeply—that I have intense longings for beauty/art/nature—that I am creative. But I feel like that part of me can also become my greatest flaw. I can make decisions based on emotions rather than facts. I can get lost in ideals, daydreams, and romantic fantasies rather than focus on real life. So, I am learning to find a balance. Recently, I have begun learning how to better deal with my emotions and not feel controlled by them. I am working to become a four that is sensitive and empathetic yet strong.

I’d like to touch briefly on being attracted to sad things. One of my favorite books is The Fault In Our Stars, mainly because I balled through the last 100 pages. Several weeks ago, I was trying to explain to a couple of people how I LOVE the feeling of crying through a sad book or movie, but I struggled to explain it. Here is my best explanation:

I think the best art is the art that moves you. That gets you thinking about the big things in life. About life and death. About what really matters. That’s what sad stories do to me. They help me see beyond the superficial and view life as the epic, horrible, yet beautiful adventure that it is.

Also, as a disclaimer, I want to say that I promise I’m not a huge sap haha. I don’t like stories that are sappy or cheesy. I like to think that I use discretion when it comes to the types of things that move me haha. As a matter of fact, I don’t like all romance. In my next blog, I will talk about romance in a more traditional sense and hope to better explain what I like and dislike about the genre and how that has shaped my writing.

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On Singleness

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The other day my friend asked me how I deal with being single. Especially when it seems like so many people my age have already found someone. I’m 27, by-the-way, so it’s not like I’m that old but still. It is starting to feel a little harder being single than it did when I was 26. For some reason, 27 seems to me to be the age by which one should be married. When people ask you if you’re single and you respond in the affirmative, they often say, “You still have time.” And, at age 24, 25, or 26, I agreed, but for some reason, when people say that to me now, at 27, it doesn’t feel like I have as much time. I had been feeling a bit down about being single, but I’ve been feeling better about it and much happier overall the last few weeks. (See my previous blog post—The Person I Want to Be).

My friend asked me if I did the whole “why me” thing? Like, why me? Why am I still single? Why am I not good enough? And honestly, I don’t really do that. Sometimes, yeah, but not much. I feel like I have a pretty good view of singleness, so I thought I’d share it on my blog to encourage others.

Side note: In the past, I had considered starting a blog, but I thoughts along these lines—It’s arrogant to start a blog. To think that you have something important to say. That people actually care about what you have to say. But… it’s not arrogant. And, to my surprise, people keep reading my blog haha. Not a lot of people. But some do. And it seems like my serious posts get more reads than my humorous ones, so it seems like people in the world care what other people out there have to say, so that’s cool. I feel like before I would’ve felt weird or embarrassed about sharing my thoughts on the internet, but it feels kind of good, actually. Plus, blogging is really important if you want to be a published novelist, so I’m going to keep at it. 😊

Anyway, on to my thoughts about singleness. As a follow-up to my blog entitled The Person I Want to Be, this is The Kind of Woman I Don’t Want to Be:

  1. The kind of woman who is desperate to be loved.
  2. The kind of woman who puts all her energy and focus into finding a man.
  3. The kind of woman who compromises her principles to be with said man.
  4. The kind of woman who wastes her time and resources on a relationship that isn’t going anywhere because she’s afraid she won’t find anyone else.
  5. The kind of woman who is never able to give, serve, and love others because all she can focus on is how she can be loved by a man.
  6. The kind of woman who feels like she needs to “convince” guys to like her. Rather than let him find her while she’s busy living her life for God.

The Kind of Woman I Want to Be:

  1. The kind of woman who knows she is loved.
  2. The kind of woman who knows it’s better to give than to receive.
  3. The kind of woman who can be content in any circumstance.
  4. The kind of woman who does big things for God. Who doesn’t sit around waiting for her “life” to start when she gets married.
  5. The kind of woman who stays faithful to God even when it’s lonely and hard.

I just feel like marriage isn’t ultimate. God is. I may find someone soon or it may be later (and yes, I’m really hoping it’s sooner rather than later) but in the end, when I die, I’m going to God. This life is so fleeting. And it’s hard to wrap your head around that, but it’s true. And, what if I did marry someone in five years, but then he died or I died? Sorry that’s dark, but again, it’s true. There’s just no guarantees in life apart from the love of God, so why make your number one focus anything other than that?

Anyway, I know not many people are going to see this blog because I’m taking a social media hiatus and thus not posting it on Facebook, so I thought I’d share a little more. I was praying recently and felt like God was telling me that I will get married and have kids. And that it’s important for me to trust in the promise in the meantime. So, that’s what I’m going to do. Rather than question God’s goodness, I’m going to trust in His faithfulness. Someday when I am married and have kids, I will be able to tell them that I wanted them really badly and it was hard to wait for them, but in my waiting, I trusted the One Who Is Good.

I go to the library a lot (because all the cool people do FYI—seriously, though, libraries are my happy place) and they recently installed a playground outside the library. LOL. Like, the librarians got together and were like, we gotta trick all the lil’ rascals into associating fun with the library haha. Anyway, that’s likely not how it went down, but that’s what I like to think.

And so, there have been a lot of parents and kids hanging out by the library recently. And I would walk by them and think to myself—will that ever be me? Will I ever have kids to play with?

And now, I don’t question anymore. I trust.

I really believe that women bear the special responsibility of trusting God. I feel that the duty of trusting falls on both men and women but especially on women. Nothing is more beautiful than a woman at rest, right? When a woman is a peace-bearer? Rather than a controlling, worrying, nagger.

I feel like God is trying to teach me that He is good. I know this in my head, but I need to know it in a way that actually affects how I live my life. So far, I am loving this process of learning to stop questioning and start trusting. If anyone has tips in doing that, let me know. 😊

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Bride-to-be Crafts Inspiring Wedding Vow by Replacing ‘Till Death Do Us Part’ With ‘Until My Needs Stop Getting Met’

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Forever the romantic, Cora Lorcroft is giddy with excitement for her upcoming wedding. To her, marriage represents everything she’s ever hoped and dreamed for—a magical union of souls, a fulfillment of her favorite girlhood fairytales, an exciting, new adventure—all, of course, accompanied by the flexibility needed to ensure that she has everything she is entitled to as a modern, sovereign woman.

“Some people refer to their fiancés as the love of their life. That’s just so old-fashioned,” Cora said with an eye-roll. “I’m much more sophisticated than that. I like to refer to Michael as the love of my right-now.”

When asked how he felt about Cora’s vow, Michael said, “I’m sure it’ll bother my folks when they hear it, but I think all women should have the right to do whatever they want whenever they want without having to sacrifice for anyone else’s good because that’s what true womanhood is, after all. So, I really don’t mind.”

“If my needs aren’t being met, then I’m not going to bother sticking around for the marriage,” Cora revealed. “My best friend, Kristy, got a divorce the day after her husband got diagnosed with depression. Ever since, I have had the highest regard for her. She really sets herself apart in this backwards world where it’s normal to endure suffering rather than just avoid pain at all costs like a smart person.”

Cora champions what she calls ‘loophole love.’

“People really underestimate the importance of loopholes. They make life so much better. And marriage. For example, the full vow should actually read ‘until my needs stop getting met, most likely due to a change in your income, age, attractiveness, or ability to make me happy at all times.’ Those are my loopholes, and I’m sticking with them till the day I die! Or, until I decide they don’t suit me and come up with new ones.”

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Breaking News: Employee Develops PTSD From Ungodly Number of Work Potlucks

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After attending 97 potlucks in one year, Dexter Liddle now becomes traumatized at the mere mention of the word ‘potluck.’ A year ago when he first started working as an editor for a travel magazine, he thought he had found his dream job. Little did he know that he would come to hate his life because of the choking, celebratory culture of his department.

“This is my first job out of college,” Dexter said while squeezing a stress ball. “I understand that there’s no way college can completely prepare you for the real world, but it would’ve been helpful if Career Services had mentioned all the potlucks I’d encounter in adulthood. Now that I look back on it—it’s insane, really. Career Services offered resume revision, interviewing practice sessions, and job coaching, but no potluck-preparedness course? It’s like they were setting us up for failure.”

Dexter isn’t the only one feeling enslaved to potluck obligations. Co-worker Crystal Abbots agrees. “I seriously can’t believe we’re having a potluck for Denise’s son’s success at his elementary-school science fair. He literally got a blue participation ribbon. I’m sorry if this is insensitive, but that DOESN’T CALL FOR A POTLUCK!”

Recently, there has been much debate in Dexter and Crystal’s office about what life events necessitate a potluck. Conservative potluck planners believe that potlucks should only be used to celebrate retirements and resignations while liberal potluck planners believe that the so-called “existence of too many potlucks” is nothing more than a myth.

Marsha Kasper, a proponent of potluck liberalism, said, “Dexter has brought chips and salsa to the last five potlucks. It’s like, bro, can you try a little? Last time we had a potluck, I brought a chicken waldorf salad with antibiotic-free, vegetarian-fed chicken that I raised and killed myself (RIP Wonder Wings), organic cranberries and apples, and walnuts that I grew on a walnut tree that I sung a Peter Gabriel song to every night for the past ten years before bed!”

Dexter has had a difficult life—marked by divorce, depression, and the tragedy of posting on Facebook and getting no likes—yet he has maintained a sunny outlook on his life. Until he found himself swimming upstream against a tidal wave of potlucks, that is.

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Writing for Teens

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The greatest difficulty in writing for teens is making the characters sound authentic. Because a few of my writer friends also write young adult lit, I thought it’d be fun to interview my 15-year-old sister, Sarah, to give us insight into the mind of a teenager. Some questions are silly, and some are serious. Enjoy!

What makes a good story? I like what you like. A lot of comedy and romance stuff. I feel like the characters’ personalities [are most important.]

Do you have a favorite catchphrase? Wack.  It means that things are weird.

Would you say deer are cute or beautiful? I’d say more cute. Yeah, they’re beautiful, but you think of them more like a cute way like Bambi.

What advice would you give to an adult trying to write a book for teenagers? Just spend a week with teenagers. Have some teenagers be rude and some be lonely, and then there are lazy people and all these athletic people.

What is your opinion on vases? I use them. I mean—they’re something that’s just there when you need your flowers not to die. I mean—I’d rather plant flowers in a pot, but if somebody buys you flowers in a package, you can’t plant them. So, vases are all right.

Yanny or Laurel? Laurel. I mostly heard Laurel, but I sometimes heard Yanny when I was far away.

What is it like to be a teenager in today’s world? I like the clothes. The people are rude. All you hear about at school are the people who vape and drink. 15-year-olds and 13-year-olds.

Any idea why you’re so snarky? I like to have fun and laugh a lot. And being snarky is the only thing I’m good at.

What are your favorite smells? I like a lot of fall scents, so like pumpkin… I like cranberry scents. I like vanilla cupcake a lot. And beach scents like the ocean. I like the smell of Pensacola beach. I do not like lilac. Blah. It’s my least favorite. And I like the smell of pizza.

Insights/Applications:

  1. Don’t overuse slang. Sometimes authors try to pump up the slang in their books to make them more relevant to teens, but Sarah honestly doesn’t use much slang. Plus, it dates your book. Although Sarah said it is her catchphrase, I wouldn’t use the word “wack” in my novel. Even if all the kids are using it now, likely no one will know what it means in five years.
  2. Teens aren’t dumb. Some people think writing like a teenager means dumbing down your writing. That’s not true. I didn’t include this in my interview because I don’t want to get political on my blog, but Sarah and I had a good discussion about current political/social issues. A word of caution, though. Make sure that the teens in your book don’t sound overly formal/precocious. While The Fault in Our Stars is my favorite young adult book (ALL THE FEELS!!!), my one complaint is that many of the teenagers sound so overly sophisticated/eloquent that it negatively affects the believability of the store world.
  3. Add some sass/sarcasm. Both my little sister and I tend to be sarcastic, but I would say she’s more sarcastic than me. So, I jokingly asked her a question about why she is so snarky. While too much sarcasm is bad both in fiction and real life, including a consistently sarcastic character in your book is a surefire way to please teens. I am currently listening to a young adult audiobook, The Distance Between Us by Kasie West. I read it a few years ago and liked it and thought I would listen to it again while I’m working on my own YA novel for inspiration. I wanted to know what teens liked about the book, and so I read the reviews on Amazon. By far, the most-mentioned element out of all the reviews was the readers’ love of the protagonist’s sarcastic voice. I knew teens like sarcasm, but I was surprised by how much. In my opinion, here’s why Kasie West’s sarcasm worked well for her book:
  • The sarcasm is non-disparaging – Sarcasm isn’t cool when it makes fun of a people group.
  • The sarcasm is incredibly witty – If you’re going to use a lot of sarcasm, make it funny; otherwise, it’s annoying.
  • The sarcasm has a purpose – The protagonist uses sarcasm to avoid talking about her real feelings and realizes this as the story progresses.

Writing for teens isn’t easy. But writing for people just on the cusp of adulthood—when they’re deciding the values and beliefs by which they will live the rest of their lives—is worthwhile.

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Woman Facebooking at work rudely interrupted by meetings, phone calls, recurring job duties

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“Seriously, why can’t they bring back manners? People are so rude these days.” Didi Sellers groans when asked about her struggle to maintain her Facebook brand while at work. “I just wish people were more polite. It’s like—Can’t you see I’m posting a hilarious meme right now? Does it look like I have time to create a report for the data analytics section?”

“Working with Didi has been challenging because of her bad attitude,” co-worker Emilia Flores stated. “The other day I heard her phone ring, and then she muttered under her breath, ‘Can you just—not?’”

“I’m sorry, but my social media time is more important than whatever so-called need a customer has. Didn’t you hear about the boy who awoke from a coma all because of a meme? So, there. My social media presence is a life-and-death matter,” Didi said with no cheekiness whatsoever in her voice.

After watching the annual refresher training video on reasonable accommodations, Didi was inspired to file a reasonable accommodation report for herself. “Alexa filed a report for her back pain and got a standing desk, so, then, why shouldn’t I get an accommodation for the pain-in-the-butt responsibilities that keep trying to interrupt my social media time? If that doesn’t sound reasonable, I don’t know what is!”

Xander, Didi’s boss, has yet to notice that she spends 90-95% of her day on Facebook. When a reporter went to interview him, he was sitting at his desk naming his office supplies after famous rappers. “Paperclip, I henceforth christen you Lil Wayne. Stapler, I henceforth christen you Drake.”

When asked what he was doing, he said, “Anything to avoid working.”

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Hobbit Resists Temptation to Wear Evil Ring, Credits Daily Mindfulness Practice

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Sometime between first and second breakfast, Frodo Baggins made a point every morning of his journey to Mordor to spend twenty minutes in silence. He sat cross-legged, focused on his breathing, and practiced self-compassion when his mind wandered (my feet aren’t that hairy) before returning his attention to his breath.

“Before I began meditating, my mind used to wander all the time,” Frodo said. “For example, I would have these super distracting thoughts like ‘Why does Legolas never speak two sentences in a row?’ or ‘Why do Gimli and Treebeard’s voices sound so eerily similar?’ But then, I would refocus my attention on my breath and gain greater clarity of mind.”

“Mindfulness made a huge difference in our mission-quest-thing,” Samwise Gamgee said.  “If it weren’t for mindfulness, I probably would’ve thought about potatoes during most of our journey instead of how to support Frodo.”

Mindfulness can be defined as a practice that helps meditators become more present. Had Gandalf practiced it, he probably would’ve remembered about his eagle friends earlier than when he did, like maybe sometime before Frodo and Sam started climbing up Mount Doom…

Therefore, Gandalf has since decided that the best thing to do with the time that is given him is to incorporate  a daily mindfulness practice into his morning routine.

 

 

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The Person I Want to Be

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For the past few months, I’ve been feeling kind of down. A couple of days ago, I shifted my perspective and have been feeling a lot better.

Basically, I realized I’ve been fixating more on what I want from life than on who I want to be. When you live from a place of want that starts to feel like a place of need, you can’t be happy or whole.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t pursue good things in life. You just need to hold them with a loose hand.

This is one of my favorite verses:

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Matthew 5:6

When you desire God and His righteousness above all else, you will finally find contentment. The best thing about the joy that comes from pursuing God’s righteousness is that it is available at all times and can never be taken away from you. To get myself excited about pursuing virtue wholeheartedly, I wanted to spend some time daydreaming about the person I want to be. So, here goes.


I want to be the kind of person who…

  • Is friendly even when it feels uncomfortable/awkward
  • Puts people over tasks/ambitions
  • Doesn’t need a romantic relationship to feel complete
  • Is easily pleased with the little things in life *cue major geeking out*
  • Is willing to do the right thing even when it’s the hard thing
  • Puts more energy into loving others than trying to be loved by others
  • Trusts God in my suffering (Aren’t the most beautiful women those who rest in God?)
  • Stands on truth instead of my emotions
  • Serves others without needing recognition for it
  • Values righteousness over my reputation
  • Is happy for other people instead of jealous of them
  • Has a “no-other-option” mentality about obeying God
  • Impacts God’s kingdom for good in a big way
  • Dies to myself every day
  • Has a joy so strong that it strengthens others
  • Lives a RADICAL life
  • Loves God more than anyone and anything

 

In the cold light, I live to love and adore you

It’s all that I am, it’s all that I have   -There Will Be Time, Mumford & Sons

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Boy Finally Wakes up from Coma Once Somebody Thinks to Ask Him if He Wants to See a Funny Meme

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Memes save lives.

17-year-old Nate Masterson can attest to that. Though he stood outside death’s door for a while, he found the will to live all because of a meme.

“I was lying in a coma. Not feeling anything. You know, comatose. And then, I just sensed something… wonderful. Something exquisite. Something GLORIOUS! All of a sudden, I knew what it was. And I wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of me LOLing over a hysterical meme! Not even indefinite unconsciousness.”

Nate’s father, Ryan, had the genius idea to introduce a meme into an otherwise tragic situation. “It was really just a last-ditch attempt. I knew my boy had a thing for memes, but I didn’t think asking him if he’d like to see one would actually be enough to wake him up. I didn’t realize that his connection to memes was so strong.”

“We all have different motivations in life—love, ambition, social justice—to name a few. But for me, it was and will always be… memes,” Nate waxed poetic when talking about his beloved online treasure. “Because of memes, I found the strength to carry on. Because of memes, there is still hope for my future. Because of memes, I will get married someday, have children, and instruct them in the glorious, honorable way of memes. Really, I owe it all to memes.”

When asked about using memes as a treatment option for mental and physical health, trained mematic psychologist Lindsay Everton said, “Memes work wonders. Recently, I heard about a husband who was trying to save his train wreck of a marriage, but then he showed his wife a funny meme and—poof!—marriage restored.”

Now employed as an advocacy intern at the Department of Health Services, Nate travels the country inspiring others to take charge of their health once and for all by committing to spending more time staring at screens, even if it means ignoring responsibilities and/or people.

 

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Yeah, So, Some Crazy Things Happened Recently

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A week before I was headed for the writing conference, I started doubting myself. My thought trail went like this:

  1. Is my writing good?
  2. Am I ready for this conference?
  3. My writing is really bad.
  4. Definitely not ready.
  5. I NEED TO CANCEL MY REGISTRATION FOR THE CONFERENCE!
  6. There’s no way I’m going to get all my money back if I cancel the week before, so I might as well just go and see what God does.

Let me tell you, friends, this conference was worth every penny.

The first day, I woke up early and registered for an appointment to pitch to my preferred agent. I wanted to work with him so badly that I went to this conference just so that I could meet him. I had spent the past 5-6 weeks reading everything I could on him and watching all his videos so that I would know exactly how to pitch my books to him. My plan was to pitch a Christian young adult contemporary romance novel and a Christian dystopian novel for adults.

After meeting another conferee who encouraged me in my writing journey, I walked in to my first class and, determined to be positive, gave everyone a huge smile. I recognized a woman in the front row as one of the former submissions readers for the agent I wanted to pitch.

I ran into her later in the day and told her that I thought her online videos were super fun. She introduced herself to me and said that before the conference started she was praying to God for Him to reveal someone to her that she needed to encourage. She knew when she saw me that I was that person.

It meant a lot to me because I still felt nervous and overwhelmed about the conference. The woman was super helpful when I told her that I had an appointment to pitch with the agent she used to work with and helped me refine my pitch for him. I felt it was obvious, then, that it was meant to be that I would get a contract from him eventually since God wanted her to encourage me.

HAHA– I was wrong.

I went to the pitch session, and he told me that I was a good writer, but that my manuscripts were caught between markets, so neither would sell. Basically, what he meant was that my books had a mix of elements geared for both the Christian and general markets, so it wouldn’t work for either. I had to pick one.

I was thus rejected and consequently crushed. Those of you who know me well know that I’m an emotional person (INFJ). It’s both a blessing and a curse to feel things deeply, but that night it was a curse.

I felt stupid for the mistake I made in my manuscripts. When I went to the worship portion of the night, I began crying. In the flight portion of the fight-or-flight mode, I walked out of the auditorium. I just couldn’t be there any longer.

I know I overreacted, but it is heartbreaking when you have spent MANY, MANY hours working on your manuscript only to be told that your story idea won’t sell. Plus, writing is incredibly personal, so you feel almost like someone rejected your innermost self.

After that, I went to meet one of my friends from college who lives nearby, and it felt good to get everything off my chest. Shout out to Dave for listening to me, encouraging me, and being a high-caliber human being. When I got back to the dorm, a few women told me they had seen me crying and encouraged me to persevere in my writing. It meant a lot to me.

However, the next morning I woke up feeling downtrodden. I didn’t want to go to any of the sessions. I had scheduled an appointment with an editor that the agent I spoke to the day before recommended I talk to, but I wasn’t hopeful much would come of it. She is an editor mostly for speculative fiction so I wanted to see if she could give me direction on my dystopian novel.

I told her the premise, and she agreed with the agent that it had elements suited for both the Christian and general markets and therefore couldn’t work for either. She asked if she could read the first few pages, so I gave it to her. I was ready for her to start criticizing it, but then the best thing happened.

She started laughing. And she kept laughing again and again as she continued reading. It was a HUGE confidence booster for me. My novel has elements of comedy/satire, and it meant a lot to me that she got my sense of humor. She told me that she thought my writing was funny and the main character quirky.

I’ve had people in my life think my sense of humor too offbeat and/or not understand it, but this editor got me. She not only appreciated my humor but also understood the message I was trying to convey. She helped me brainstorm how I could rework it for the general market, and then she gave me her contact information and told me that she’d love to see it once I reworked it.

I was super encouraged. An editor said she’d love to see my story!

In the last session of the night, the director of the conference announced that there were a few manuscript critiques waiting to be picked up in the hallway. (A few weeks prior to the conference, we had the option to send in the first chapter of a manuscript for a faculty member to critique, so I sent in my young adult contemporary romance.) For some reason, I thought I was going to get my critique sent to my email. So, I hadn’t picked mine up yet. I went over to the table and saw it there. When I picked it up, my first thought was “It’s probably not going to be a good critique.” I flipped to the critique page and looked for the name of the faculty member who had critiqued it. It was the editor I had talked to earlier that day who was interested in my other book. Even better, she left me a great critique. At the bottom of the critique, she wrote that she would like to see my book proposal and full manuscript.

I was in shock!!!! For those of you who are wondering, let me explain why she liked it more than the other agent. The elements that he didn’t like were added in after I sent in my critique. So, she read a different version than he did. Also, if you’re curious what those elements were– I wanted to have my main character post a provocative photo online (something a lot of teenage girls seem to do these days.) However, the agent told me that including that in my story–though it wasn’t graphic–it was only mentioned– is too “edgy” for the Christian market. Anyway, I have since decided to rework  my story a lot, which includes cutting those edgy elements but also writing it for the general market.

So, I was beyond thrilled with my critique. Usually the best a writer can hope will come from a writers’ conference is to have an agent/editor ask for the proposal and the first three chapters, but she wanted my whole manuscript.

I plan to send it in by the end of the year. I will be looking for people to read/edit it in hopefully 2-3 months. If you are interested in helping, please let me know.  Also, just because she wants my full manuscript doesn’t mean I will be published. It means she is seriously interested in my book, but her publications team could still reject it. So, pressure on!

More importantly, I learned a huge lesson in all of this– GOD WANTS ME TO TRUST HIM. HE WANTS ME NOT TO BE AFRAID.

I should’ve trusted God the first day I was there when I had a woman tell me that she felt God laid it on her heart to tell me to be encouraged.

I should’ve trusted Him because I know He is faithful.

But I didn’t. I wasn’t happy in the waiting.

When I found out the next day that an editor was interested in my writing, I rejoiced. Then, I was happy in God. I was happy that He did something good for me.

I hope to learn more to trust Him in the journey. Any helpful thoughts on doing this, let me know.

Thank you to everyone who texted me and prayed for me before I went to the conference. It meant a lot to me.

 

 

 

 

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Serious Thoughts – Writing Update

I know I’ve been writing a lot of satirical/ridiculous posts lately, but I wanted to write something serious. Contrary to popular belief, not everything in life is a huge joke to me. (Although a lot of things are haha.)

I just wanted to update you on my pursuit of being an author. I am headed to a writers’ conference this week, so please pray for me. While I’m not expecting a book contract or to get published anytime soon, it would be nice if I could network with people who might be able to help me launch my career and possibly get agents/editors interested in my work.

Other thoughts:

  1. Music- I’m still OBSESSED with Lord Huron. I will likely write a blog soon about this obsession. I read the other day that one of my favorite indie bands, Fever Fever, is making an announcement soon, which will hopefully be about new music coming out.
  2. I think I need to spend less time on the internet, specifically on social media. The one bad thing about starting a blog is that I look forward too much to checking if people are reading/liking/commenting.
  3. I LOVE nature so much. I get so overwhelmed by the beauty of the outdoors, and my heart just feels like it’s about to burst.
  4. Hope. There is always hope. ❤
  5. “Whatever you do, just don’t look back.
    Oh somebody needs the light you have.
    Whatever you do, just don’t lose heart.
    Keep on pushing back the dark” -Pushing Back the Dark, Josh Wilson

FYI- I may start writing more serious/reflective posts.

This is my favorite music video of all time. It has an epic, sweeping, adventurous, dreamy, mysterious feel to it that really captures my imagination. Not to mention it is incredibly romantic. ❤

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Unbeknownst to Fans Theorizing About Song Meaning, Con Artist Musician Watches From Afar Knowing The Lyrics Don’t Mean a Thing

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“The lyrics really spoke to my innermost being,” said fan Lisa Harley about her favorite pop star Tommy Schneider’s brand new single Gotchya.

Tommy revealed in an exclusive interview that Gotchya isn’t the epic, poetic tour de force that his fans think it is. “I literally pulled the lyrics out of my butt.”

Over the last week, fan theories trying to solve the mystery of which of Tommy’s ex-girlfriends Gotchya is about blew up the internet. “It’s funny. Fans think this one line in the song about a larger-than-life romance is about a supposed lover I had the summer I spent backpacking through South America, but it’s actually just inspired by my love for tater tots.”

“I am thinking about getting the lyric about the larger-than-life romance tattooed on my arm,” Lisa gushed on Tommy’s Facebook fan group. “It’s incredibly profound. Not to mention emblematic of everything that is good, beautiful, and lovely in this world.”

Although few musicians will actually admit this, Tommy said he is ashamed of his fans. “It’s crazy that these nutso fans are all worked up about figuring out the meaning of the song. It’s like, get a life, people. I picked the words because they sounded dope. That’s all, folks.”

When pressed about why he didn’t set his fans straight about the insignificance of the lyrics, Tommy laughed maniacally.

 

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Woman Who Checks All 52 Boxes on Man’s List of Female Ideals Rejected After Shocking New Development Reveals She is Imaginary

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Despite going on 77 dates in three years, long-time bachelor Tom Avery has yet to find a woman that meets his specifications. While his close friends suggest it might be helpful to eliminate a few of the requirements he has for his future wife, he maintains that all 52 of them are absolutely necessary. Since being set up on a blind date that turned out to be a prank, he added “must be a living human” to the list, making the grand total of womanly must-haves 53.

Mariah Landers, who recently went on a date with Tom, admitted to feeling uncomfortable around him. “At the restaurant, he said he wasn’t compatible with women who eat chicken on Saturdays, which was a bummer since chicken cordon bleu was on special. And it was Saturday.”

“I’m a super flexible guy,” Tom responded to accusations of his pickiness. “I always let my date pick her chair when the waitress shows us our table. And I let her pick out her outfit before she gets there!”

“I get why people are so depressed these days,” Tom stated. “It’s a cruel world that we live in where I can’t seem to find one—you know, I’m not asking for multiple—just one woman that has pretty eyes, is proficient at Russian folk dancing, has a PHD in somatic psychology, likes videogames, is smart enough to hold an intellectual conversation but now too smart that I feel dumb around her, and has less than two moles per limb, to name a few.”

When pressed about the validity of his wife wish list, Tom said, “Having a lot of things in common is the key to a healthy relationship. Seriously, if her second-favorite Pokemon isn’t Charizard, what kind of foundation do we even have to build our relationship on?”

Tom also mentioned that if Kate Upton were to become single and go on a date with him, the list would immediately be nullified.

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Woman Looking for Serious Relationship Asks for Three Letters of Recommendation and Notarized Statement of Intent Before Agreeing to Online Date

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Tanya Smith has had enough of dating men who aren’t interested in marriage. To weed out the Play Boys from the Prince Charmings, she has adopted a new strategy in online dating.

“I like to make it clear on the first date that I take dating seriously,” Tanya stated in a recent interview. “I have a little, you know, lightweight portfolio I like to carry that includes my five-year plan, my wedding ring preferences, and a timeline of the most noteworthy, personal moments of my life along with a bulleted list of how they transformed me into the dazzling woman I am today.”

Tom Avery admitted to feeling uncomfortable on his first and only date with Tanya. “The conversation got super serious super fast. About five minutes into the conversation, I asked her if she liked Taylor Swift or Selena Gomez better, and she asked me where I thought the relationship was going.”

Looking back on their date, Tanya said, “I shouldn’t have agreed to go out with him. One of his references said he enjoyed different types of music.  I’m just not looking for that. If you like hip hop, that’s fine. I just need you to commit to one. For all eternity.”

Tom claims that at the end of their date, Tanya asked him to sign a contract in blood promising not to ghost her before their second date. He politely declined.

“It’s not creepy,” she informed him.

After several dating disasters, Tanya asked eHarmony to include a question requiring all men to rate their morality on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being Tom Riddle bad boy and 10 being Atticus Finch nice guy, but nothing ever came of it.

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Highlighter Experiences Dating Woes Due to Need to Always be the Center of Attention

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According to the office supplies on Natalie’s desk, Highlighter has become frustrated with the dating scene due to reasons purportedly beyond his control. He claims that his need to be the center of attention is innate to his character and cannot be altered.

“I just want someone to love me for who I am,” Highlighter stated in a recent interview. “I think my grabbing personality is attractive. I like to leave my mark on the world, you know? It’s just who I am, and I don’t think I should have to change to find true love.”

He is currently nursing wounds from his recent break up with Calculator, who provided the following statement regarding their relationship. “Highlighter doesn’t perceive how his non-stop talking equates with self-centeredness. He actually thinks people enjoy hearing him talk that much.”

Paperclip, the resident matchmaker at Natalie’s desk, thinks Highlighter would be better paired with Sticky Note, who rumor has it is incredibly clingy. “Highlighter and Sticky Note would be the perfect pair,” Paperclip said. “She is willing to tolerate a lot just to be with someone. Even narcissism.”

When asked if she would consider dating Highlighter, Sticky Note revealed, “I could totally see myself with him—I mean, only on occasion, not every waking minute or anything like that… I really respect Highlighter. You can tell just by looking at him that he’s more educated than a lot of the other folks around here.”

As of early May, Natalie reported that a dating app for her office supplies is in the works, tentatively titled Plenty Office.

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Belief That Truth is Relative Gains Momentum on Day That Countless People Claim to Have the Best Mom in the World

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Revolutionary son and zealous absolutist Troy Miles became distressed after scrolling through his Facebook news feed and finding seventeen posts from friends alleging that their mom was the world’s best mom. Refusing to join the masses, Troy posted on Facebook that, since he had no way of ascertaining that his mom was the best in the world, he felt that he could accurately celebrate her as a mom who overall does well but is lacking in a few key areas of mom mastery. He even wrote these words in the sparkly butterfly card he bought her.

In response, Troy’s mom, Hannah, said, “While I commend Troy’s honesty, part of me wishes I didn’t finish reading his card feeling like I got a bad grade on a test.”

Troy confronted his best friend, Buck, about his Facebook post asserting his mom’s superiority to all the moms in the world. “Sorry to break it to you, but your mom isn’t the best in the world. Dude, she fed you squirrel for breakfast growing up!”

Buck admitted to falsifying his mom’s competency on Facebook but declined further statements.

As he scrolled through his Facebook feed, Troy became deeply troubled imagining what people would begin passing as truth now that absolutism was no longer championed as a virtue. “Will people start saying that two plus two equals five? Or that eating pizza for breakfast isn’t a good life choice?”

A man with a scientific mind, Troy created rubrics and sent them to his Facebook friends as a sample experiment to try to determine who had the best mom before sending them to everyone in the world. Unfortunately, he found that they rated their moms 10/10 on all criteria, thus invalidating his experiment.

 

 

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Sticky Note Tired of Being Perceived as Clingy by Potential Romantic Partners

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Sticky Note is fed up with being snubbed by potential suitors due to a perceived clinginess that she says is completely groundless. After years of feeling judged, she is finally taking a stand against the oppressive prejudice that has kept her from finding true love.

“I’m looking for a normal relationship,” Sticky asserts. “I don’t need to be with my lover 24/7. I’d even be cool with a long-distance relationship. That’s how not clingy I am.”

A source close to Notebook, Sticky’s last boyfriend, claims that Sticky had attachment issues in their relationship. When asked about her relationship with Notebook, Sticky said, “I learned a lot from that relationship. Moving forward, I will do things differently. However, our relationship didn’t end because of me. It ended because of Notebook’s lack of creativity and flexibility. He needs to realize that not everything in life is so linear.”

Sticky insists that she is highly independent and, to cultivate this aspect of her character, she went backpacking in Europe by herself last fall. Backpack reports that she didn’t throw a hissy fit when he needed some alone time and never asked him intrusive questions about his whereabouts.

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National Lost Sock Memorial Day

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I can’t imagine why it would, but in case it slipped your mind, I wanted to remind you that National Lost Sock Memorial Day is next Wednesday May 9th. Below is an example of an obituary you can use for your lost socks.

It is with deep sorrow in my heart that I am writing of the untimely passing of Left Pink Polka Dot Sock, Left Women’s Fashion Turtle Sock, and Right Plain White Sock. All three socks lived extraordinary lives and touched every person with whom they came into contact.

Left Pink Polka Dot Sock was a beloved, respected member of the Polka Dot family. She is leaving behind her sole mate, Right Pink Polka Dot Sock.

Left Women’s Fashion Turtle Sock enjoyed long rides in the washer and dryer and was a socker for being worn to bed. She is leaving behind Right Women’s Fashion Turtle Sock.

Right Plain White Sock’s will be remembered for his instrumental versatility in both basic and elegant outfits. He was preceded in death by Left Plain White Sock several months ago.

Though these socks are gone, their memories remain. May they go forth from this world in peace.

Their memorial service will take place in my bedroom on May 9th at 5:00PM. All residents of my sock drawer are invited to offer their condolences.

 

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What to Expect (And What Not to Expect)

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Welcome to my blog! Here are some details about what to and not to expect.

Topics That Won’t be Featured in my Blog

  1. Gollum- I hate the guy a lot. Seriously, he is the worst. If anyone sees Gollum on my blog anywhere, please fill out my contact form or call 9-1-1.
  2. The most embarrassing moment of my life- There is one embarrassing moment of my life that I’ve never told a soul. I plan on taking it with me to the grave.
  3. Jealousy of Unicorns- My jealousy of unicorns tends to freak people out, so I won’t be talking about it here.

Topics That Will be Featured in my Blog

  1. God- The focus of my spiritual walk right now is cultivating my love for God while fighting the idols of my heart, and I hope to encourage others to do the same.
  2. Music- I’m the person who is obsessed with music but who isn’t musically talented whatsoever and consequentially have prodigious authority on the subject.
  3. Comedy- There may be some ridiculous posts from time to time, probably satirical in nature. Also, I like to make things up sometimes (i.e. a jealousy of unicorns) so be prepared for that.

Examples of People Who Should Read this Blog

  1. My mom
  2. Gollum-hating comedy lovers
  3. People with 1-2 eyes

In conclusion, this blog has something for everyone. Please subscribe and enjoy!