Despite going on 77 dates in three years, long-time bachelor Tom Avery has yet to find a woman that meets his specifications. While his close friends suggest it might be helpful to eliminate a few of the requirements he has for his future wife, he maintains that all 52 of them are absolutely necessary. Since being set up on a blind date that turned out to be a prank, he added “must be a living human” to the list, making the grand total of womanly must-haves 53.
Mariah Landers, who recently went on a date with Tom, admitted to feeling uncomfortable around him. “At the restaurant, he said he wasn’t compatible with women who eat chicken on Saturdays, which was a bummer since chicken cordon bleu was on special. And it was Saturday.”
“I’m a super flexible guy,” Tom responded to accusations of his pickiness. “I always let my date pick her chair when the waitress shows us our table. And I let her pick out her outfit before she gets there!”
“I get why people are so depressed these days,” Tom stated. “It’s a cruel world that we live in where I can’t seem to find one—you know, I’m not asking for multiple—just one woman that has pretty eyes, is proficient at Russian folk dancing, has a PHD in somatic psychology, likes videogames, is smart enough to hold an intellectual conversation but now too smart that I feel dumb around her, and has less than two moles per limb, to name a few.”
When pressed about the validity of his wife wish list, Tom said, “Having a lot of things in common is the key to a healthy relationship. Seriously, if her second-favorite Pokemon isn’t Charizard, what kind of foundation do we even have to build our relationship on?”
Tom also mentioned that if Kate Upton were to become single and go on a date with him, the list would immediately be nullified.