According to the office supplies on Natalie’s desk, Highlighter has become frustrated with the dating scene due to reasons purportedly beyond his control. He claims that his need to be the center of attention is innate to his character and cannot be altered.
“I just want someone to love me for who I am,” Highlighter stated in a recent interview. “I think my grabbing personality is attractive. I like to leave my mark on the world, you know? It’s just who I am, and I don’t think I should have to change to find true love.”
He is currently nursing wounds from his recent break up with Calculator, who provided the following statement regarding their relationship. “Highlighter doesn’t perceive how his non-stop talking equates with self-centeredness. He actually thinks people enjoy hearing him talk that much.”
Paperclip, the resident matchmaker at Natalie’s desk, thinks Highlighter would be better paired with Sticky Note, who rumor has it is incredibly clingy. “Highlighter and Sticky Note would be the perfect pair,” Paperclip said. “She is willing to tolerate a lot just to be with someone. Even narcissism.”
When asked if she would consider dating Highlighter, Sticky Note revealed, “I could totally see myself with him—I mean, only on occasion, not every waking minute or anything like that… I really respect Highlighter. You can tell just by looking at him that he’s more educated than a lot of the other folks around here.”
As of early May, Natalie reported that a dating app for her office supplies is in the works, tentatively titled Plenty Office.
Revolutionary son and zealous absolutist Troy Miles became distressed after scrolling through his Facebook news feed and finding seventeen posts from friends alleging that their mom was the world’s best mom. Refusing to join the masses, Troy posted on Facebook that, since he had no way of ascertaining that his mom was the best in the world, he felt that he could accurately celebrate her as a mom who overall does well but is lacking in a few key areas of mom mastery. He even wrote these words in the sparkly butterfly card he bought her.
In response, Troy’s mom, Hannah, said, “While I commend Troy’s honesty, part of me wishes I didn’t finish reading his card feeling like I got a bad grade on a test.”
Troy confronted his best friend, Buck, about his Facebook post asserting his mom’s superiority to all the moms in the world. “Sorry to break it to you, but your mom isn’t the best in the world. Dude, she fed you squirrel for breakfast growing up!”
Buck admitted to falsifying his mom’s competency on Facebook but declined further statements.
As he scrolled through his Facebook feed, Troy became deeply troubled imagining what people would begin passing as truth now that absolutism was no longer championed as a virtue. “Will people start saying that two plus two equals five? Or that eating pizza for breakfast isn’t a good life choice?”
A man with a scientific mind, Troy created rubrics and sent them to his Facebook friends as a sample experiment to try to determine who had the best mom before sending them to everyone in the world. Unfortunately, he found that they rated their moms 10/10 on all criteria, thus invalidating his experiment.
Sticky Note is fed up with being snubbed by potential suitors due to a perceived clinginess that she says is completely groundless. After years of feeling judged, she is finally taking a stand against the oppressive prejudice that has kept her from finding true love.
“I’m looking for a normal relationship,” Sticky asserts. “I don’t need to be with my lover 24/7. I’d even be cool with a long-distance relationship. That’s how not clingy I am.”
A source close to Notebook, Sticky’s last boyfriend, claims that Sticky had attachment issues in their relationship. When asked about her relationship with Notebook, Sticky said, “I learned a lot from that relationship. Moving forward, I will do things differently. However, our relationship didn’t end because of me. It ended because of Notebook’s lack of creativity and flexibility. He needs to realize that not everything in life is so linear.”
Sticky insists that she is highly independent and, to cultivate this aspect of her character, she went backpacking in Europe by herself last fall. Backpack reports that she didn’t throw a hissy fit when he needed some alone time and never asked him intrusive questions about his whereabouts.
I can’t imagine why it would, but in case it slipped your mind, I wanted to remind you that National Lost Sock Memorial Day is next Wednesday May 9th. Below is an example of an obituary you can use for your lost socks.
It is with deep sorrow in my heart that I am writing of the untimely passing of Left Pink Polka Dot Sock, Left Women’s Fashion Turtle Sock, and Right Plain White Sock. All three socks lived extraordinary lives and touched every person with whom they came into contact.
Left Pink Polka Dot Sock was a beloved, respected member of the Polka Dot family. She is leaving behind her sole mate, Right Pink Polka Dot Sock.
Left Women’s Fashion Turtle Sock enjoyed long rides in the washer and dryer and was a socker for being worn to bed. She is leaving behind Right Women’s Fashion Turtle Sock.
Right Plain White Sock’s will be remembered for his instrumental versatility in both basic and elegant outfits. He was preceded in death by Left Plain White Sock several months ago.
Though these socks are gone, their memories remain. May they go forth from this world in peace.
Their memorial service will take place in my bedroom on May 9th at 5:00PM. All residents of my sock drawer are invited to offer their condolences.
Welcome to my blog! Here are some details about what to and not to expect.
Topics That Won’t be Featured in my Blog
- Gollum- I hate the guy a lot. Seriously, he is the worst. If anyone sees Gollum on my blog anywhere, please fill out my contact form or call 9-1-1.
- The most embarrassing moment of my life- There is one embarrassing moment of my life that I’ve never told a soul. I plan on taking it with me to the grave.
- Jealousy of Unicorns- My jealousy of unicorns tends to freak people out, so I won’t be talking about it here.
Topics That Will be Featured in my Blog
- God- The focus of my spiritual walk right now is cultivating my love for God while fighting the idols of my heart, and I hope to encourage others to do the same.
- Music- I’m the person who is obsessed with music but who isn’t musically talented whatsoever and consequentially have prodigious authority on the subject.
- Comedy- There may be some ridiculous posts from time to time, probably satirical in nature. Also, I like to make things up sometimes (i.e. a jealousy of unicorns) so be prepared for that.
Examples of People Who Should Read this Blog
- My mom
- Gollum-hating comedy lovers
- People with 1-2 eyes
In conclusion, this blog has something for everyone. Please subscribe and enjoy!