“The lyrics really spoke to my innermost being,” said fan Lisa Harley about her favorite pop star Tommy Schneider’s brand new single Gotchya.
Tommy revealed in an exclusive interview that Gotchya isn’t the epic, poetic tour de force that his fans think it is. “I literally pulled the lyrics out of my butt.”
Over the last week, fan theories trying to solve the mystery of which of Tommy’s ex-girlfriends Gotchya is about blew up the internet. “It’s funny. Fans think this one line in the song about a larger-than-life romance is about a supposed lover I had the summer I spent backpacking through South America, but it’s actually just inspired by my love for tater tots.”
“I am thinking about getting the lyric about the larger-than-life romance tattooed on my arm,” Lisa gushed on Tommy’s Facebook fan group. “It’s incredibly profound. Not to mention emblematic of everything that is good, beautiful, and lovely in this world.”
Although few musicians will actually admit this, Tommy said he is ashamed of his fans. “It’s crazy that these nutso fans are all worked up about figuring out the meaning of the song. It’s like, get a life, people. I picked the words because they sounded dope. That’s all, folks.”
When pressed about why he didn’t set his fans straight about the insignificance of the lyrics, Tommy laughed maniacally.
Despite going on 77 dates in three years, long-time bachelor Tom Avery has yet to find a woman that meets his specifications. While his close friends suggest it might be helpful to eliminate a few of the requirements he has for his future wife, he maintains that all 52 of them are absolutely necessary. Since being set up on a blind date that turned out to be a prank, he added “must be a living human” to the list, making the grand total of womanly must-haves 53.
Mariah Landers, who recently went on a date with Tom, admitted to feeling uncomfortable around him. “At the restaurant, he said he wasn’t compatible with women who eat chicken on Saturdays, which was a bummer since chicken cordon bleu was on special. And it was Saturday.”
“I’m a super flexible guy,” Tom responded to accusations of his pickiness. “I always let my date pick her chair when the waitress shows us our table. And I let her pick out her outfit before she gets there!”
“I get why people are so depressed these days,” Tom stated. “It’s a cruel world that we live in where I can’t seem to find one—you know, I’m not asking for multiple—just one woman that has pretty eyes, is proficient at Russian folk dancing, has a PHD in somatic psychology, likes videogames, is smart enough to hold an intellectual conversation but now too smart that I feel dumb around her, and has less than two moles per limb, to name a few.”
When pressed about the validity of his wife wish list, Tom said, “Having a lot of things in common is the key to a healthy relationship. Seriously, if her second-favorite Pokemon isn’t Charizard, what kind of foundation do we even have to build our relationship on?”
Tom also mentioned that if Kate Upton were to become single and go on a date with him, the list would immediately be nullified.
Tanya Smith has had enough of dating men who aren’t interested in marriage. To weed out the Play Boys from the Prince Charmings, she has adopted a new strategy in online dating.
“I like to make it clear on the first date that I take dating seriously,” Tanya stated in a recent interview. “I have a little, you know, lightweight portfolio I like to carry that includes my five-year plan, my wedding ring preferences, and a timeline of the most noteworthy, personal moments of my life along with a bulleted list of how they transformed me into the dazzling woman I am today.”
Tom Avery admitted to feeling uncomfortable on his first and only date with Tanya. “The conversation got super serious super fast. About five minutes into the conversation, I asked her if she liked Taylor Swift or Selena Gomez better, and she asked me where I thought the relationship was going.”
Looking back on their date, Tanya said, “I shouldn’t have agreed to go out with him. One of his references said he enjoyed different types of music. I’m just not looking for that. If you like hip hop, that’s fine. I just need you to commit to one. For all eternity.”
Tom claims that at the end of their date, Tanya asked him to sign a contract in blood promising not to ghost her before their second date. He politely declined.
“It’s not creepy,” she informed him.
After several dating disasters, Tanya asked eHarmony to include a question requiring all men to rate their morality on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being Tom Riddle bad boy and 10 being Atticus Finch nice guy, but nothing ever came of it.
According to the office supplies on Natalie’s desk, Highlighter has become frustrated with the dating scene due to reasons purportedly beyond his control. He claims that his need to be the center of attention is innate to his character and cannot be altered.
“I just want someone to love me for who I am,” Highlighter stated in a recent interview. “I think my grabbing personality is attractive. I like to leave my mark on the world, you know? It’s just who I am, and I don’t think I should have to change to find true love.”
He is currently nursing wounds from his recent break up with Calculator, who provided the following statement regarding their relationship. “Highlighter doesn’t perceive how his non-stop talking equates with self-centeredness. He actually thinks people enjoy hearing him talk that much.”
Paperclip, the resident matchmaker at Natalie’s desk, thinks Highlighter would be better paired with Sticky Note, who rumor has it is incredibly clingy. “Highlighter and Sticky Note would be the perfect pair,” Paperclip said. “She is willing to tolerate a lot just to be with someone. Even narcissism.”
When asked if she would consider dating Highlighter, Sticky Note revealed, “I could totally see myself with him—I mean, only on occasion, not every waking minute or anything like that… I really respect Highlighter. You can tell just by looking at him that he’s more educated than a lot of the other folks around here.”
As of early May, Natalie reported that a dating app for her office supplies is in the works, tentatively titled Plenty Office.
Revolutionary son and zealous absolutist Troy Miles became distressed after scrolling through his Facebook news feed and finding seventeen posts from friends alleging that their mom was the world’s best mom. Refusing to join the masses, Troy posted on Facebook that, since he had no way of ascertaining that his mom was the best in the world, he felt that he could accurately celebrate her as a mom who overall does well but is lacking in a few key areas of mom mastery. He even wrote these words in the sparkly butterfly card he bought her.
In response, Troy’s mom, Hannah, said, “While I commend Troy’s honesty, part of me wishes I didn’t finish reading his card feeling like I got a bad grade on a test.”
Troy confronted his best friend, Buck, about his Facebook post asserting his mom’s superiority to all the moms in the world. “Sorry to break it to you, but your mom isn’t the best in the world. Dude, she fed you squirrel for breakfast growing up!”
Buck admitted to falsifying his mom’s competency on Facebook but declined further statements.
As he scrolled through his Facebook feed, Troy became deeply troubled imagining what people would begin passing as truth now that absolutism was no longer championed as a virtue. “Will people start saying that two plus two equals five? Or that eating pizza for breakfast isn’t a good life choice?”
A man with a scientific mind, Troy created rubrics and sent them to his Facebook friends as a sample experiment to try to determine who had the best mom before sending them to everyone in the world. Unfortunately, he found that they rated their moms 10/10 on all criteria, thus invalidating his experiment.
Sticky Note is fed up with being snubbed by potential suitors due to a perceived clinginess that she says is completely groundless. After years of feeling judged, she is finally taking a stand against the oppressive prejudice that has kept her from finding true love.
“I’m looking for a normal relationship,” Sticky asserts. “I don’t need to be with my lover 24/7. I’d even be cool with a long-distance relationship. That’s how not clingy I am.”
A source close to Notebook, Sticky’s last boyfriend, claims that Sticky had attachment issues in their relationship. When asked about her relationship with Notebook, Sticky said, “I learned a lot from that relationship. Moving forward, I will do things differently. However, our relationship didn’t end because of me. It ended because of Notebook’s lack of creativity and flexibility. He needs to realize that not everything in life is so linear.”
Sticky insists that she is highly independent and, to cultivate this aspect of her character, she went backpacking in Europe by herself last fall. Backpack reports that she didn’t throw a hissy fit when he needed some alone time and never asked him intrusive questions about his whereabouts.
I can’t imagine why it would, but in case it slipped your mind, I wanted to remind you that National Lost Sock Memorial Day is next Wednesday May 9th. Below is an example of an obituary you can use for your lost socks.
It is with deep sorrow in my heart that I am writing of the untimely passing of Left Pink Polka Dot Sock, Left Women’s Fashion Turtle Sock, and Right Plain White Sock. All three socks lived extraordinary lives and touched every person with whom they came into contact.
Left Pink Polka Dot Sock was a beloved, respected member of the Polka Dot family. She is leaving behind her sole mate, Right Pink Polka Dot Sock.
Left Women’s Fashion Turtle Sock enjoyed long rides in the washer and dryer and was a socker for being worn to bed. She is leaving behind Right Women’s Fashion Turtle Sock.
Right Plain White Sock’s will be remembered for his instrumental versatility in both basic and elegant outfits. He was preceded in death by Left Plain White Sock several months ago.
Though these socks are gone, their memories remain. May they go forth from this world in peace.
Their memorial service will take place in my bedroom on May 9th at 5:00PM. All residents of my sock drawer are invited to offer their condolences.