Progressive Victory: Personal Revelations Now Supersede God’s Word

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According to a study conducted by a trendy new nonprofit organization known as DUMB (Developing Unclear Morality Biblically), 9 out of 10 Christians now recognize that their personal revelations and convictions supersede God’s authority. The ideology of the organization, which is awe-inspiring in its ethics and justice, is based on a simple, yet enlightened idea.

DUMB founder Dwight Dunlap explained it this way, “I’ve realized that God can tell people that they can live their lives a certain way even though the Bible indicates the opposite on multiple occasions in strong language, so long as confirmation is received through a viable means, like inner peace.”

Progressive Christian Annalise Elliott shared how DUMB has helped her become better at discerning God’s will for her life. “I felt God told me in a dream that it is okay to get drunk every weekend while I’m in college. Because I wouldn’t want to do anything that contradicts God’s will, I did some deep searching inside myself and found good vibes confirming the dream, and so I knew I had literally heard from the voice of God. It gave me chills, honestly. It was such a spiritual experience.”

When asked by a conservative pastor about the relevancy of reading the Bible to determine a code of conduct for one’s life, Dwight said, “I really like reading the part in the Bible where it says God is love. Because true love means that you can act however you want around other people as long as it makes you happy. But outside of that, I don’t really read the Bible. It’s too restrictive. I like to think of the Bible as more of a create-your-own-adventure story. It gives you limitless possibilities, but you are not bound by any one truth.”

Being Spoon-Fed Opinions by Media Rather Than Developing Own Convictions Deemed Bedrock of American Virtue

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Once upon a time, American virtues used to include liberty, justice, and honor, but, as Bob Dylan sang: the times are a-changin’. Being spoon-fed opinions by media has recently been deemed the bedrock of American virtue. According to a revealing new study, four out of five Americans don’t like to come to their own conclusions about current issues. Like the person who would rather retweet than tweet, the typical American lacks the capacity for innovative thinking.

“Between having strong convictions about the design of Starbucks cups, the abomination known as Windows 10, and whether I heard Yanny or Laurel, who has had energy this year to invest time in the critical thinking required to understand societal issues?” bemoaned Raven Watson. “I’m sorry, but there are way more important things to think about.”

“I believe strongly in potatoes,” declared Katrina Keeley. “You can eat them so many different ways. I have strong convictions about potatoes and the way they ought to be prepared. But when it comes to an issue like abortion, my mind just goes blank. I have zero opinions.”

“When it comes to something like chairs, I can tell you my opinion about them,” stated Victoria Onessa. “I LOVE chairs and really believe in them. I believe in their greatness. I believe in everything they stand for! Comfort, luxury, stability. And yet—truth be told, I could care less about refugees or religious liberty. Even just thinking about thinking about those things hurts my brain.”

For those who find being spoon-fed information to be too mentally taxing, some social media gurus suggest that they will begin offering straws for those who would rather slurp their opinions.

Customer Service Representatives are People, too, Study Indicates

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At long last, compelling new research has debunked the age-old belief that customer service representatives are a non-human species. While the research has been well-received by many, some refuse to believe that it is conclusive.

Such is the belief of long-time shopper and cynic Victor Harkley, who asserts that customer service representatives are robots. “This wonky research has me unconvinced. As far as I’m concerned, nothing is changing in the way I treat those customer service robos, which is with utter disrespect, not to mention blatant animosity.”

Sociologist Katherine Everton, who spearheaded the study, maintains that it was conducted with the utmost integrity. “We surveyed thousands of customer service reps at hundreds of different companies, asking them questions to determine if they had were, as once believed, soulless robots. We questioned them about the matters that have throughout history most tugged at the heartstrings of human beings, including how broken up they were over Brangelina’s split or the discovery that Pluto was not a planet. To further quantify their empathy, we brought a randomized cohort into the lab and tracked their brain activity as they viewed images of other heartbreaking happenings, such as the introduction of this year’s new Starbucks holiday cup or the invention of Windows 10. What we found amazed us. It turned out that these customer service reps actually felt something in response.”

A customer service representative for a high-end nourishment corporation, Ashley Flannery, was moved when she read the results of the study. “I feel… stuff. Oh, and would you like fries with that?”

 

Woman Inspired to Pursue Romantic Relationship with Pizza after Watching Twilight Movie Series

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Mesmerized by the will-he-or-won’t-he-eat-me dynamic of the Twilight movies series, Lucy Rhinelander, a woman ahead of her time, has entered into a romantic relationship with a deep-dish, three-meat pizza.

“There was just something so delicious about Edward and Bella’s relationship,” Lucy stated in a recent interview, “That I wanted to see if I could replicate it in my own love life.”

Lucy admits to being tempted to eat her beloved but maintains that the trials of their unconventional romance have strengthened their love. “Every time I want to eat him, I think about how much I love him, and it helps me fight off my craving. I reckon few people think about how much they love their partner as much as I do,” she bragged.

Her ex-boyfriend, Calum, had some saucy remarks about Lucy’s new relationship. “It’s so hard in the dating world. Women are pickier than ever these days. It was hard enough when I had to compete with the pun-spewing, sensitive hipster type that all women seem to be into these days. But now I have to compete with pizza? COME ON. I don’t stand even stand a chance!”

“Let’s be real, guys. Shakespeare’s Sonnet 113 is definitely about pizza,” Lucy said. “There’s no way he could write something so extraordinarily romantic without the inspiration that only the sublime combination of sauce, bread, cheese, and meat can deliver.”

 

Bride-to-be Crafts Inspiring Wedding Vow by Replacing ‘Till Death Do Us Part’ With ‘Until My Needs Stop Getting Met’

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Forever the romantic, Cora Lorcroft is giddy with excitement for her upcoming wedding. To her, marriage represents everything she’s ever hoped and dreamed for—a magical union of souls, a fulfillment of her favorite girlhood fairytales, an exciting, new adventure—all, of course, accompanied by the flexibility needed to ensure that she has everything she is entitled to as a modern, sovereign woman.

“Some people refer to their fiancés as the love of their life. That’s just so old-fashioned,” Cora said with an eye-roll. “I’m much more sophisticated than that. I like to refer to Michael as the love of my right-now.”

When asked how he felt about Cora’s vow, Michael said, “I’m sure it’ll bother my folks when they hear it, but I think all women should have the right to do whatever they want whenever they want without having to sacrifice for anyone else’s good because that’s what true womanhood is, after all. So, I really don’t mind.”

“If my needs aren’t being met, then I’m not going to bother sticking around for the marriage,” Cora revealed. “My best friend, Kristy, got a divorce the day after her husband got diagnosed with depression. Ever since, I have had the highest regard for her. She really sets herself apart in this backwards world where it’s normal to endure suffering rather than just avoid pain at all costs like a smart person.”

Cora champions what she calls ‘loophole love.’

“People really underestimate the importance of loopholes. They make life so much better. And marriage. For example, the full vow should actually read ‘until my needs stop getting met, most likely due to a change in your income, age, attractiveness, or ability to make me happy at all times.’ Those are my loopholes, and I’m sticking with them till the day I die! Or, until I decide they don’t suit me and come up with new ones.”

Breaking News: Employee Develops PTSD From Ungodly Number of Work Potlucks

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After attending 97 potlucks in one year, Dexter Liddle now becomes traumatized at the mere mention of the word ‘potluck.’ A year ago when he first started working as an editor for a travel magazine, he thought he had found his dream job. Little did he know that he would come to hate his life because of the choking, celebratory culture of his department.

“This is my first job out of college,” Dexter said while squeezing a stress ball. “I understand that there’s no way college can completely prepare you for the real world, but it would’ve been helpful if Career Services had mentioned all the potlucks I’d encounter in adulthood. Now that I look back on it—it’s insane, really. Career Services offered resume revision, interviewing practice sessions, and job coaching, but no potluck-preparedness course? It’s like they were setting us up for failure.”

Dexter isn’t the only one feeling enslaved to potluck obligations. Co-worker Crystal Abbots agrees. “I seriously can’t believe we’re having a potluck for Denise’s son’s success at his elementary-school science fair. He literally got a blue participation ribbon. I’m sorry if this is insensitive, but that DOESN’T CALL FOR A POTLUCK!”

Recently, there has been much debate in Dexter and Crystal’s office about what life events necessitate a potluck. Conservative potluck planners believe that potlucks should only be used to celebrate retirements and resignations while liberal potluck planners believe that the so-called “existence of too many potlucks” is nothing more than a myth.

Marsha Kasper, a proponent of potluck liberalism, said, “Dexter has brought chips and salsa to the last five potlucks. It’s like, bro, can you try a little? Last time we had a potluck, I brought a chicken waldorf salad with antibiotic-free, vegetarian-fed chicken that I raised and killed myself (RIP Wonder Wings), organic cranberries and apples, and walnuts that I grew on a walnut tree that I sung a Peter Gabriel song to every night for the past ten years before bed!”

Dexter has had a difficult life—marked by divorce, depression, and the tragedy of posting on Facebook and getting no likes—yet he has maintained a sunny outlook on his life. Until he found himself swimming upstream against a tidal wave of potlucks, that is.

Woman Facebooking at work rudely interrupted by meetings, phone calls, recurring job duties

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“Seriously, why can’t they bring back manners? People are so rude these days.” Didi Sellers groans when asked about her struggle to maintain her Facebook brand while at work. “I just wish people were more polite. It’s like—Can’t you see I’m posting a hilarious meme right now? Does it look like I have time to create a report for the data analytics section?”

“Working with Didi has been challenging because of her bad attitude,” co-worker Emilia Flores stated. “The other day I heard her phone ring, and then she muttered under her breath, ‘Can you just—not?’”

“I’m sorry, but my social media time is more important than whatever so-called need a customer has. Didn’t you hear about the boy who awoke from a coma all because of a meme? So, there. My social media presence is a life-and-death matter,” Didi said with no cheekiness whatsoever in her voice.

After watching the annual refresher training video on reasonable accommodations, Didi was inspired to file a reasonable accommodation report for herself. “Alexa filed a report for her back pain and got a standing desk, so, then, why shouldn’t I get an accommodation for the pain-in-the-butt responsibilities that keep trying to interrupt my social media time? If that doesn’t sound reasonable, I don’t know what is!”

Xander, Didi’s boss, has yet to notice that she spends 90-95% of her day on Facebook. When a reporter went to interview him, he was sitting at his desk naming his office supplies after famous rappers. “Paperclip, I henceforth christen you Lil Wayne. Stapler, I henceforth christen you Drake.”

When asked what he was doing, he said, “Anything to avoid working.”