Bride-to-be Crafts Inspiring Wedding Vow by Replacing ‘Till Death Do Us Part’ With ‘Until My Needs Stop Getting Met’

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Forever the romantic, Cora Lorcroft is giddy with excitement for her upcoming wedding. To her, marriage represents everything she’s ever hoped and dreamed for—a magical union of souls, a fulfillment of her favorite girlhood fairytales, an exciting, new adventure—all, of course, accompanied by the flexibility needed to ensure that she has everything she is entitled to as a modern, sovereign woman.

“Some people refer to their fiancés as the love of their life. That’s just so old-fashioned,” Cora said with an eye-roll. “I’m much more sophisticated than that. I like to refer to Michael as the love of my right-now.”

When asked how he felt about Cora’s vow, Michael said, “I’m sure it’ll bother my folks when they hear it, but I think all women should have the right to do whatever they want whenever they want without having to sacrifice for anyone else’s good because that’s what true womanhood is, after all. So, I really don’t mind.”

“If my needs aren’t being met, then I’m not going to bother sticking around for the marriage,” Cora revealed. “My best friend, Kristy, got a divorce the day after her husband got diagnosed with depression. Ever since, I have had the highest regard for her. She really sets herself apart in this backwards world where it’s normal to endure suffering rather than just avoid pain at all costs like a smart person.”

Cora champions what she calls ‘loophole love.’

“People really underestimate the importance of loopholes. They make life so much better. And marriage. For example, the full vow should actually read ‘until my needs stop getting met, most likely due to a change in your income, age, attractiveness, or ability to make me happy at all times.’ Those are my loopholes, and I’m sticking with them till the day I die! Or, until I decide they don’t suit me and come up with new ones.”

Breaking News: Employee Develops PTSD From Ungodly Number of Work Potlucks

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After attending 97 potlucks in one year, Dexter Liddle now becomes traumatized at the mere mention of the word ‘potluck.’ A year ago when he first started working as an editor for a travel magazine, he thought he had found his dream job. Little did he know that he would come to hate his life because of the choking, celebratory culture of his department.

“This is my first job out of college,” Dexter said while squeezing a stress ball. “I understand that there’s no way college can completely prepare you for the real world, but it would’ve been helpful if Career Services had mentioned all the potlucks I’d encounter in adulthood. Now that I look back on it—it’s insane, really. Career Services offered resume revision, interviewing practice sessions, and job coaching, but no potluck-preparedness course? It’s like they were setting us up for failure.”

Dexter isn’t the only one feeling enslaved to potluck obligations. Co-worker Crystal Abbots agrees. “I seriously can’t believe we’re having a potluck for Denise’s son’s success at his elementary-school science fair. He literally got a blue participation ribbon. I’m sorry if this is insensitive, but that DOESN’T CALL FOR A POTLUCK!”

Recently, there has been much debate in Dexter and Crystal’s office about what life events necessitate a potluck. Conservative potluck planners believe that potlucks should only be used to celebrate retirements and resignations while liberal potluck planners believe that the so-called “existence of too many potlucks” is nothing more than a myth.

Marsha Kasper, a proponent of potluck liberalism, said, “Dexter has brought chips and salsa to the last five potlucks. It’s like, bro, can you try a little? Last time we had a potluck, I brought a chicken waldorf salad with antibiotic-free, vegetarian-fed chicken that I raised and killed myself (RIP Wonder Wings), organic cranberries and apples, and walnuts that I grew on a walnut tree that I sung a Peter Gabriel song to every night for the past ten years before bed!”

Dexter has had a difficult life—marked by divorce, depression, and the tragedy of posting on Facebook and getting no likes—yet he has maintained a sunny outlook on his life. Until he found himself swimming upstream against a tidal wave of potlucks, that is.

Boy Finally Wakes up from Coma Once Somebody Thinks to Ask Him if He Wants to See a Funny Meme

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Memes save lives.

17-year-old Nate Masterson can attest to that. Though he stood outside death’s door for a while, he found the will to live all because of a meme.

“I was lying in a coma. Not feeling anything. You know, comatose. And then, I just sensed something… wonderful. Something exquisite. Something GLORIOUS! All of a sudden, I knew what it was. And I wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of me LOLing over a hysterical meme! Not even indefinite unconsciousness.”

Nate’s father, Ryan, had the genius idea to introduce a meme into an otherwise tragic situation. “It was really just a last-ditch attempt. I knew my boy had a thing for memes, but I didn’t think asking him if he’d like to see one would actually be enough to wake him up. I didn’t realize that his connection to memes was so strong.”

“We all have different motivations in life—love, ambition, social justice—to name a few. But for me, it was and will always be… memes,” Nate waxed poetic when talking about his beloved online treasure. “Because of memes, I found the strength to carry on. Because of memes, there is still hope for my future. Because of memes, I will get married someday, have children, and instruct them in the glorious, honorable way of memes. Really, I owe it all to memes.”

When asked about using memes as a treatment option for mental and physical health, trained mematic psychologist Lindsay Everton said, “Memes work wonders. Recently, I heard about a husband who was trying to save his train wreck of a marriage, but then he showed his wife a funny meme and—poof!—marriage restored.”

Now employed as an advocacy intern at the Department of Health Services, Nate travels the country inspiring others to take charge of their health once and for all by committing to spending more time staring at screens, even if it means ignoring responsibilities and/or people.

 

Unbeknownst to Fans Theorizing About Song Meaning, Con Artist Musician Watches From Afar Knowing The Lyrics Don’t Mean a Thing

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“The lyrics really spoke to my innermost being,” said fan Lisa Harley about her favorite pop star Tommy Schneider’s brand new single Gotchya.

Tommy revealed in an exclusive interview that Gotchya isn’t the epic, poetic tour de force that his fans think it is. “I literally pulled the lyrics out of my butt.”

Over the last week, fan theories trying to solve the mystery of which of Tommy’s ex-girlfriends Gotchya is about blew up the internet. “It’s funny. Fans think this one line in the song about a larger-than-life romance is about a supposed lover I had the summer I spent backpacking through South America, but it’s actually just inspired by my love for tater tots.”

“I am thinking about getting the lyric about the larger-than-life romance tattooed on my arm,” Lisa gushed on Tommy’s Facebook fan group. “It’s incredibly profound. Not to mention emblematic of everything that is good, beautiful, and lovely in this world.”

Although few musicians will actually admit this, Tommy said he is ashamed of his fans. “It’s crazy that these nutso fans are all worked up about figuring out the meaning of the song. It’s like, get a life, people. I picked the words because they sounded dope. That’s all, folks.”

When pressed about why he didn’t set his fans straight about the insignificance of the lyrics, Tommy laughed maniacally.

 

Woman Looking for Serious Relationship Asks for Three Letters of Recommendation and Notarized Statement of Intent Before Agreeing to Online Date

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Tanya Smith has had enough of dating men who aren’t interested in marriage. To weed out the Play Boys from the Prince Charmings, she has adopted a new strategy in online dating.

“I like to make it clear on the first date that I take dating seriously,” Tanya stated in a recent interview. “I have a little, you know, lightweight portfolio I like to carry that includes my five-year plan, my wedding ring preferences, and a timeline of the most noteworthy, personal moments of my life along with a bulleted list of how they transformed me into the dazzling woman I am today.”

Tom Avery admitted to feeling uncomfortable on his first and only date with Tanya. “The conversation got super serious super fast. About five minutes into the conversation, I asked her if she liked Taylor Swift or Selena Gomez better, and she asked me where I thought the relationship was going.”

Looking back on their date, Tanya said, “I shouldn’t have agreed to go out with him. One of his references said he enjoyed different types of music.  I’m just not looking for that. If you like hip hop, that’s fine. I just need you to commit to one. For all eternity.”

Tom claims that at the end of their date, Tanya asked him to sign a contract in blood promising not to ghost her before their second date. He politely declined.

“It’s not creepy,” she informed him.

After several dating disasters, Tanya asked eHarmony to include a question requiring all men to rate their morality on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being Tom Riddle bad boy and 10 being Atticus Finch nice guy, but nothing ever came of it.

Highlighter Experiences Dating Woes Due to Need to Always be the Center of Attention

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According to the office supplies on Natalie’s desk, Highlighter has become frustrated with the dating scene due to reasons purportedly beyond his control. He claims that his need to be the center of attention is innate to his character and cannot be altered.

“I just want someone to love me for who I am,” Highlighter stated in a recent interview. “I think my grabbing personality is attractive. I like to leave my mark on the world, you know? It’s just who I am, and I don’t think I should have to change to find true love.”

He is currently nursing wounds from his recent break up with Calculator, who provided the following statement regarding their relationship. “Highlighter doesn’t perceive how his non-stop talking equates with self-centeredness. He actually thinks people enjoy hearing him talk that much.”

Paperclip, the resident matchmaker at Natalie’s desk, thinks Highlighter would be better paired with Sticky Note, who rumor has it is incredibly clingy. “Highlighter and Sticky Note would be the perfect pair,” Paperclip said. “She is willing to tolerate a lot just to be with someone. Even narcissism.”

When asked if she would consider dating Highlighter, Sticky Note revealed, “I could totally see myself with him—I mean, only on occasion, not every waking minute or anything like that… I really respect Highlighter. You can tell just by looking at him that he’s more educated than a lot of the other folks around here.”

As of early May, Natalie reported that a dating app for her office supplies is in the works, tentatively titled Plenty Office.

Belief That Truth is Relative Gains Momentum on Day That Countless People Claim to Have the Best Mom in the World

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Revolutionary son and zealous absolutist Troy Miles became distressed after scrolling through his Facebook news feed and finding seventeen posts from friends alleging that their mom was the world’s best mom. Refusing to join the masses, Troy posted on Facebook that, since he had no way of ascertaining that his mom was the best in the world, he felt that he could accurately celebrate her as a mom who overall does well but is lacking in a few key areas of mom mastery. He even wrote these words in the sparkly butterfly card he bought her.

In response, Troy’s mom, Hannah, said, “While I commend Troy’s honesty, part of me wishes I didn’t finish reading his card feeling like I got a bad grade on a test.”

Troy confronted his best friend, Buck, about his Facebook post asserting his mom’s superiority to all the moms in the world. “Sorry to break it to you, but your mom isn’t the best in the world. Dude, she fed you squirrel for breakfast growing up!”

Buck admitted to falsifying his mom’s competency on Facebook but declined further statements.

As he scrolled through his Facebook feed, Troy became deeply troubled imagining what people would begin passing as truth now that absolutism was no longer championed as a virtue. “Will people start saying that two plus two equals five? Or that eating pizza for breakfast isn’t a good life choice?”

A man with a scientific mind, Troy created rubrics and sent them to his Facebook friends as a sample experiment to try to determine who had the best mom before sending them to everyone in the world. Unfortunately, he found that they rated their moms 10/10 on all criteria, thus invalidating his experiment.