Belief That Truth is Relative Gains Momentum on Day That Countless People Claim to Have the Best Mom in the World

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Revolutionary son and zealous absolutist Troy Miles became distressed after scrolling through his Facebook news feed and finding seventeen posts from friends alleging that their mom was the world’s best mom. Refusing to join the masses, Troy posted on Facebook that, since he had no way of ascertaining that his mom was the best in the world, he felt that he could accurately celebrate her as a mom who overall does well but is lacking in a few key areas of mom mastery. He even wrote these words in the sparkly butterfly card he bought her.

In response, Troy’s mom, Hannah, said, “While I commend Troy’s honesty, part of me wishes I didn’t finish reading his card feeling like I got a bad grade on a test.”

Troy confronted his best friend, Buck, about his Facebook post asserting his mom’s superiority to all the moms in the world. “Sorry to break it to you, but your mom isn’t the best in the world. Dude, she fed you squirrel for breakfast growing up!”

Buck admitted to falsifying his mom’s competency on Facebook but declined further statements.

As he scrolled through his Facebook feed, Troy became deeply troubled imagining what people would begin passing as truth now that absolutism was no longer championed as a virtue. “Will people start saying that two plus two equals five? Or that eating pizza for breakfast isn’t a good life choice?”

A man with a scientific mind, Troy created rubrics and sent them to his Facebook friends as a sample experiment to try to determine who had the best mom before sending them to everyone in the world. Unfortunately, he found that they rated their moms 10/10 on all criteria, thus invalidating his experiment.

 

 

Sticky Note Tired of Being Perceived as Clingy by Potential Romantic Partners

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Sticky Note is fed up with being snubbed by potential suitors due to a perceived clinginess that she says is completely groundless. After years of feeling judged, she is finally taking a stand against the oppressive prejudice that has kept her from finding true love.

“I’m looking for a normal relationship,” Sticky asserts. “I don’t need to be with my lover 24/7. I’d even be cool with a long-distance relationship. That’s how not clingy I am.”

A source close to Notebook, Sticky’s last boyfriend, claims that Sticky had attachment issues in their relationship. When asked about her relationship with Notebook, Sticky said, “I learned a lot from that relationship. Moving forward, I will do things differently. However, our relationship didn’t end because of me. It ended because of Notebook’s lack of creativity and flexibility. He needs to realize that not everything in life is so linear.”

Sticky insists that she is highly independent and, to cultivate this aspect of her character, she went backpacking in Europe by herself last fall. Backpack reports that she didn’t throw a hissy fit when he needed some alone time and never asked him intrusive questions about his whereabouts.