Hobbit Resists Temptation to Wear Evil Ring, Credits Daily Mindfulness Practice

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Sometime between first and second breakfast, Frodo Baggins made a point every morning of his journey to Mordor to spend twenty minutes in silence. He sat cross-legged, focused on his breathing, and practiced self-compassion when his mind wandered (my feet aren’t that hairy) before returning his attention to his breath.

“Before I began meditating, my mind used to wander all the time,” Frodo said. “For example, I would have these super distracting thoughts like ‘Why does Legolas never speak two sentences in a row?’ or ‘Why do Gimli and Treebeard’s voices sound so eerily similar?’ But then, I would refocus my attention on my breath and gain greater clarity of mind.”

“Mindfulness made a huge difference in our mission-quest-thing,” Samwise Gamgee said.  “If it weren’t for mindfulness, I probably would’ve thought about potatoes during most of our journey instead of how to support Frodo.”

Mindfulness can be defined as a practice that helps meditators become more present. Had Gandalf practiced it, he probably would’ve remembered about his eagle friends earlier than when he did, like maybe sometime before Frodo and Sam started climbing up Mount Doom…

Therefore, Gandalf has since decided that the best thing to do with the time that is given him is to incorporate  a daily mindfulness practice into his morning routine.

 

 

Boy Finally Wakes up from Coma Once Somebody Thinks to Ask Him if He Wants to See a Funny Meme

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Memes save lives.

17-year-old Nate Masterson can attest to that. Though he stood outside death’s door for a while, he found the will to live all because of a meme.

“I was lying in a coma. Not feeling anything. You know, comatose. And then, I just sensed something… wonderful. Something exquisite. Something GLORIOUS! All of a sudden, I knew what it was. And I wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of me LOLing over a hysterical meme! Not even indefinite unconsciousness.”

Nate’s father, Ryan, had the genius idea to introduce a meme into an otherwise tragic situation. “It was really just a last-ditch attempt. I knew my boy had a thing for memes, but I didn’t think asking him if he’d like to see one would actually be enough to wake him up. I didn’t realize that his connection to memes was so strong.”

“We all have different motivations in life—love, ambition, social justice—to name a few. But for me, it was and will always be… memes,” Nate waxed poetic when talking about his beloved online treasure. “Because of memes, I found the strength to carry on. Because of memes, there is still hope for my future. Because of memes, I will get married someday, have children, and instruct them in the glorious, honorable way of memes. Really, I owe it all to memes.”

When asked about using memes as a treatment option for mental and physical health, trained mematic psychologist Lindsay Everton said, “Memes work wonders. Recently, I heard about a husband who was trying to save his train wreck of a marriage, but then he showed his wife a funny meme and—poof!—marriage restored.”

Now employed as an advocacy intern at the Department of Health Services, Nate travels the country inspiring others to take charge of their health once and for all by committing to spending more time staring at screens, even if it means ignoring responsibilities and/or people.

 

Unbeknownst to Fans Theorizing About Song Meaning, Con Artist Musician Watches From Afar Knowing The Lyrics Don’t Mean a Thing

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“The lyrics really spoke to my innermost being,” said fan Lisa Harley about her favorite pop star Tommy Schneider’s brand new single Gotchya.

Tommy revealed in an exclusive interview that Gotchya isn’t the epic, poetic tour de force that his fans think it is. “I literally pulled the lyrics out of my butt.”

Over the last week, fan theories trying to solve the mystery of which of Tommy’s ex-girlfriends Gotchya is about blew up the internet. “It’s funny. Fans think this one line in the song about a larger-than-life romance is about a supposed lover I had the summer I spent backpacking through South America, but it’s actually just inspired by my love for tater tots.”

“I am thinking about getting the lyric about the larger-than-life romance tattooed on my arm,” Lisa gushed on Tommy’s Facebook fan group. “It’s incredibly profound. Not to mention emblematic of everything that is good, beautiful, and lovely in this world.”

Although few musicians will actually admit this, Tommy said he is ashamed of his fans. “It’s crazy that these nutso fans are all worked up about figuring out the meaning of the song. It’s like, get a life, people. I picked the words because they sounded dope. That’s all, folks.”

When pressed about why he didn’t set his fans straight about the insignificance of the lyrics, Tommy laughed maniacally.

 

Woman Who Checks All 52 Boxes on Man’s List of Female Ideals Rejected After Shocking New Development Reveals She is Imaginary

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Despite going on 77 dates in three years, long-time bachelor Tom Avery has yet to find a woman that meets his specifications. While his close friends suggest it might be helpful to eliminate a few of the requirements he has for his future wife, he maintains that all 52 of them are absolutely necessary. Since being set up on a blind date that turned out to be a prank, he added “must be a living human” to the list, making the grand total of womanly must-haves 53.

Mariah Landers, who recently went on a date with Tom, admitted to feeling uncomfortable around him. “At the restaurant, he said he wasn’t compatible with women who eat chicken on Saturdays, which was a bummer since chicken cordon bleu was on special. And it was Saturday.”

“I’m a super flexible guy,” Tom responded to accusations of his pickiness. “I always let my date pick her chair when the waitress shows us our table. And I let her pick out her outfit before she gets there!”

“I get why people are so depressed these days,” Tom stated. “It’s a cruel world that we live in where I can’t seem to find one—you know, I’m not asking for multiple—just one woman that has pretty eyes, is proficient at Russian folk dancing, has a PHD in somatic psychology, likes videogames, is smart enough to hold an intellectual conversation but now too smart that I feel dumb around her, and has less than two moles per limb, to name a few.”

When pressed about the validity of his wife wish list, Tom said, “Having a lot of things in common is the key to a healthy relationship. Seriously, if her second-favorite Pokemon isn’t Charizard, what kind of foundation do we even have to build our relationship on?”

Tom also mentioned that if Kate Upton were to become single and go on a date with him, the list would immediately be nullified.

Woman Looking for Serious Relationship Asks for Three Letters of Recommendation and Notarized Statement of Intent Before Agreeing to Online Date

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Tanya Smith has had enough of dating men who aren’t interested in marriage. To weed out the Play Boys from the Prince Charmings, she has adopted a new strategy in online dating.

“I like to make it clear on the first date that I take dating seriously,” Tanya stated in a recent interview. “I have a little, you know, lightweight portfolio I like to carry that includes my five-year plan, my wedding ring preferences, and a timeline of the most noteworthy, personal moments of my life along with a bulleted list of how they transformed me into the dazzling woman I am today.”

Tom Avery admitted to feeling uncomfortable on his first and only date with Tanya. “The conversation got super serious super fast. About five minutes into the conversation, I asked her if she liked Taylor Swift or Selena Gomez better, and she asked me where I thought the relationship was going.”

Looking back on their date, Tanya said, “I shouldn’t have agreed to go out with him. One of his references said he enjoyed different types of music.  I’m just not looking for that. If you like hip hop, that’s fine. I just need you to commit to one. For all eternity.”

Tom claims that at the end of their date, Tanya asked him to sign a contract in blood promising not to ghost her before their second date. He politely declined.

“It’s not creepy,” she informed him.

After several dating disasters, Tanya asked eHarmony to include a question requiring all men to rate their morality on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being Tom Riddle bad boy and 10 being Atticus Finch nice guy, but nothing ever came of it.

Highlighter Experiences Dating Woes Due to Need to Always be the Center of Attention

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According to the office supplies on Natalie’s desk, Highlighter has become frustrated with the dating scene due to reasons purportedly beyond his control. He claims that his need to be the center of attention is innate to his character and cannot be altered.

“I just want someone to love me for who I am,” Highlighter stated in a recent interview. “I think my grabbing personality is attractive. I like to leave my mark on the world, you know? It’s just who I am, and I don’t think I should have to change to find true love.”

He is currently nursing wounds from his recent break up with Calculator, who provided the following statement regarding their relationship. “Highlighter doesn’t perceive how his non-stop talking equates with self-centeredness. He actually thinks people enjoy hearing him talk that much.”

Paperclip, the resident matchmaker at Natalie’s desk, thinks Highlighter would be better paired with Sticky Note, who rumor has it is incredibly clingy. “Highlighter and Sticky Note would be the perfect pair,” Paperclip said. “She is willing to tolerate a lot just to be with someone. Even narcissism.”

When asked if she would consider dating Highlighter, Sticky Note revealed, “I could totally see myself with him—I mean, only on occasion, not every waking minute or anything like that… I really respect Highlighter. You can tell just by looking at him that he’s more educated than a lot of the other folks around here.”

As of early May, Natalie reported that a dating app for her office supplies is in the works, tentatively titled Plenty Office.

Belief That Truth is Relative Gains Momentum on Day That Countless People Claim to Have the Best Mom in the World

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Revolutionary son and zealous absolutist Troy Miles became distressed after scrolling through his Facebook news feed and finding seventeen posts from friends alleging that their mom was the world’s best mom. Refusing to join the masses, Troy posted on Facebook that, since he had no way of ascertaining that his mom was the best in the world, he felt that he could accurately celebrate her as a mom who overall does well but is lacking in a few key areas of mom mastery. He even wrote these words in the sparkly butterfly card he bought her.

In response, Troy’s mom, Hannah, said, “While I commend Troy’s honesty, part of me wishes I didn’t finish reading his card feeling like I got a bad grade on a test.”

Troy confronted his best friend, Buck, about his Facebook post asserting his mom’s superiority to all the moms in the world. “Sorry to break it to you, but your mom isn’t the best in the world. Dude, she fed you squirrel for breakfast growing up!”

Buck admitted to falsifying his mom’s competency on Facebook but declined further statements.

As he scrolled through his Facebook feed, Troy became deeply troubled imagining what people would begin passing as truth now that absolutism was no longer championed as a virtue. “Will people start saying that two plus two equals five? Or that eating pizza for breakfast isn’t a good life choice?”

A man with a scientific mind, Troy created rubrics and sent them to his Facebook friends as a sample experiment to try to determine who had the best mom before sending them to everyone in the world. Unfortunately, he found that they rated their moms 10/10 on all criteria, thus invalidating his experiment.