Social justice has finally been realized. Today, in a landmark victory for lovers of wordplay, Congress passed a law that makes pun enjoyment neglect a federal offjest.
“While I know there’s a special place in hell reserved for people who despise puns,” Senator Barb Corkley said, “It’s comforting to know that those criminals will be quipped into shape during their time here on earth.”
“Putting people in the punitentiary for this offense will make our society more fruitful. I’ve guava feeling our economy will flourish due to the increased creativity cultivated by wordplay. Trust me, this will be apearant within a couple of years,” opined Congressman Brandon Renaud.
“Since the legislation has passed, my insomnia has all but cured,” said Wanda Winkler. “I used to be a major chicken, losing sleep every night, fearful about my children’s future. But now I know that my kids will be safe because those senseless thugs won’t be able to get away with any fowl play anymore.
Rumor has it that a band of groan men are starting a grassroots campaign to obtain the same protections for the appreciation of dad jokes. With today’s victory under their belt, they are confident that they won’t get loopy in the face of the current charged political environment.
According to the office supplies on Natalie’s desk, Highlighter has become frustrated with the dating scene due to reasons purportedly beyond his control. He claims that his need to be the center of attention is innate to his character and cannot be altered.
“I just want someone to love me for who I am,” Highlighter stated in a recent interview. “I think my grabbing personality is attractive. I like to leave my mark on the world, you know? It’s just who I am, and I don’t think I should have to change to find true love.”
He is currently nursing wounds from his recent break up with Calculator, who provided the following statement regarding their relationship. “Highlighter doesn’t perceive how his non-stop talking equates with self-centeredness. He actually thinks people enjoy hearing him talk that much.”
Paperclip, the resident matchmaker at Natalie’s desk, thinks Highlighter would be better paired with Sticky Note, who rumor has it is incredibly clingy. “Highlighter and Sticky Note would be the perfect pair,” Paperclip said. “She is willing to tolerate a lot just to be with someone. Even narcissism.”
When asked if she would consider dating Highlighter, Sticky Note revealed, “I could totally see myself with him—I mean, only on occasion, not every waking minute or anything like that… I really respect Highlighter. You can tell just by looking at him that he’s more educated than a lot of the other folks around here.”
As of early May, Natalie reported that a dating app for her office supplies is in the works, tentatively titled Plenty Office.
I can’t imagine why it would, but in case it slipped your mind, I wanted to remind you that National Lost Sock Memorial Day is next Wednesday May 9th. Below is an example of an obituary you can use for your lost socks.
It is with deep sorrow in my heart that I am writing of the untimely passing of Left Pink Polka Dot Sock, Left Women’s Fashion Turtle Sock, and Right Plain White Sock. All three socks lived extraordinary lives and touched every person with whom they came into contact.
Left Pink Polka Dot Sock was a beloved, respected member of the Polka Dot family. She is leaving behind her sole mate, Right Pink Polka Dot Sock.
Left Women’s Fashion Turtle Sock enjoyed long rides in the washer and dryer and was a socker for being worn to bed. She is leaving behind Right Women’s Fashion Turtle Sock.
Right Plain White Sock’s will be remembered for his instrumental versatility in both basic and elegant outfits. He was preceded in death by Left Plain White Sock several months ago.
Though these socks are gone, their memories remain. May they go forth from this world in peace.
Their memorial service will take place in my bedroom on May 9th at 5:00PM. All residents of my sock drawer are invited to offer their condolences.