Woman Inspired to Pursue Romantic Relationship with Pizza after Watching Twilight Movie Series

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Mesmerized by the will-he-or-won’t-he-eat-me dynamic of the Twilight movies series, Lucy Rhinelander, a woman ahead of her time, has entered into a romantic relationship with a deep-dish, three-meat pizza.

“There was just something so delicious about Edward and Bella’s relationship,” Lucy stated in a recent interview, “That I wanted to see if I could replicate it in my own love life.”

Lucy admits to being tempted to eat her beloved but maintains that the trials of their unconventional romance have strengthened their love. “Every time I want to eat him, I think about how much I love him, and it helps me fight off my craving. I reckon few people think about how much they love their partner as much as I do,” she bragged.

Her ex-boyfriend, Calum, had some saucy remarks about Lucy’s new relationship. “It’s so hard in the dating world. Women are pickier than ever these days. It was hard enough when I had to compete with the pun-spewing, sensitive hipster type that all women seem to be into these days. But now I have to compete with pizza? COME ON. I don’t stand even stand a chance!”

“Let’s be real, guys. Shakespeare’s Sonnet 113 is definitely about pizza,” Lucy said. “There’s no way he could write something so extraordinarily romantic without the inspiration that only the sublime combination of sauce, bread, cheese, and meat can deliver.”

 

Breaking News: Employee Develops PTSD From Ungodly Number of Work Potlucks

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After attending 97 potlucks in one year, Dexter Liddle now becomes traumatized at the mere mention of the word ‘potluck.’ A year ago when he first started working as an editor for a travel magazine, he thought he had found his dream job. Little did he know that he would come to hate his life because of the choking, celebratory culture of his department.

“This is my first job out of college,” Dexter said while squeezing a stress ball. “I understand that there’s no way college can completely prepare you for the real world, but it would’ve been helpful if Career Services had mentioned all the potlucks I’d encounter in adulthood. Now that I look back on it—it’s insane, really. Career Services offered resume revision, interviewing practice sessions, and job coaching, but no potluck-preparedness course? It’s like they were setting us up for failure.”

Dexter isn’t the only one feeling enslaved to potluck obligations. Co-worker Crystal Abbots agrees. “I seriously can’t believe we’re having a potluck for Denise’s son’s success at his elementary-school science fair. He literally got a blue participation ribbon. I’m sorry if this is insensitive, but that DOESN’T CALL FOR A POTLUCK!”

Recently, there has been much debate in Dexter and Crystal’s office about what life events necessitate a potluck. Conservative potluck planners believe that potlucks should only be used to celebrate retirements and resignations while liberal potluck planners believe that the so-called “existence of too many potlucks” is nothing more than a myth.

Marsha Kasper, a proponent of potluck liberalism, said, “Dexter has brought chips and salsa to the last five potlucks. It’s like, bro, can you try a little? Last time we had a potluck, I brought a chicken waldorf salad with antibiotic-free, vegetarian-fed chicken that I raised and killed myself (RIP Wonder Wings), organic cranberries and apples, and walnuts that I grew on a walnut tree that I sung a Peter Gabriel song to every night for the past ten years before bed!”

Dexter has had a difficult life—marked by divorce, depression, and the tragedy of posting on Facebook and getting no likes—yet he has maintained a sunny outlook on his life. Until he found himself swimming upstream against a tidal wave of potlucks, that is.